SH 2015: Breathe, We’ll Be Okay (for skyroll)

[suholiday]

For: skyroll
From: ANONYMOUS until May 22, 2015

Title: Breathe, We’ll Be Okay
Rating: R
Pairing(s)/Focus: Suho-centric, Suho/Chanyeol, brief!Suho/Kris, brief!Suho/Yunho
Length: 11,122 words
Summary: In a mission to prove to the world that he can be imperfect and messed up, Junmyeon actually messes everything up.
Warning/s: language, sexual situations, alcohol, sort-of-disbandment, angst

Notes: EXO in this fic existed as a fictional idol group in a television drama. To my recipient – I might have deviated a bit from the prompt but I hope it’s alright! Title is from Wipe Your Eyes by Maroon 5.

Despite what the mass media, and probably the majority of the country, thinks, actor Kim Junmyeon is not reckless and out of control. If anything, he’s an opportunist, ready to take advantage of whatever stumbles his way and, given his reputation, a lot of things like to stumble his way. Right now it’s Wu Yifan who’s stumbled his way, or rather, its Junmyeon who’s stumbled onto Yifan’s lap in a shaded booth at a bar neither of them intended on meeting up at. It’s been years since Junmyeon’s seen him, not since he was twenty and they had wrapped up filming their final joint stage of the series they both starred in, and drinks led to stories of the old days which led to whispers when people took notice of the pair. Junmyeon normally chooses his establishments based on what gives him the most exposure to the public and normally would have been thrilled at the whispers and phones coming out discreetly, except that he’s with Yifan tonight and the name they’re whispering is the last one that Junmyeon wants to hear. That name always chases away all rational thought. Yifan seems to share the sentiment, if the expression on his face is anything to go by, and a quirk of an eyebrow asking are you thinking what I’m thinking? is all it takes to have him tugging on Junmyeon’s wrist and pulling him onto his lap. The kiss is for show, but Junmyeon would be lying if he said he didn’t somewhat enjoy it. He’d always wondered if Yifan’s lips were really as soft and plump as they looked and his hands are warm on Junmyeon’s thigh as his fingers trace around the tattoo hidden under his jeans. He smirks because it means Yifan’s been keeping up with his career and he feels mildly guilty for not doing the same. He pulls away with a smoldering gaze he’s rehearsed in front of the mirror for opportunities like this and, letting his thumb swipe across Yifan’s bottom lip, asks, “Let’s go?” The hushed murmur follows them out the door as Yifan tugs Junmyeon behind him and Junmyeon can’t help the giddy feeling bubbling up in him, grinning like he would if he were playing a character running off to reignite a flame with an old lover, or a sly playboy following his catch home. Drunk off the possibilities, he slides into the passenger seat of Yifan’s car when it’s opened for him and tugs the other down for a quick kiss before the door can be closed. “Nice car.” He comments when Yifan pulls them out of the parking space, slowly as to avoid hitting the small crowd gathered. That wasn’t the sort of headline they were looking for. “I have an image to keep up, after all. You obviously know how that is.” Junmyeon winks at him playfully. “Will your company be pissed?” “Yeah.” Yifan says flippantly. “They’ll probably say that you came onto me, though from what I’ve read about you, you won’t mind that story.” “It doesn’t matter what they’re saying, as long as they’re talking.” Junmyeon learned that long ago. “How’s that working out for you?” Junmyeon stares out the window, choosing to not reply because he won’t let anything spoil his good mood, and motions for Yifan to pull over after a few blocks. “Nice catching up with you. See you around.” He says as he exits with a wave and walks further down the street to grab a cab back home. The traffic is light this late at night and his phone glows brightly in the backseat as he pulls up his name on the search engines to see if anyone’s saying anything yet. His eyes pause on the similar search keywords that show up at the top and his thumb hovers over someone else’s name before he catches it and scrolls down quickly. He’s already reminisced about the past more tonight than he has in the last five years and he isn’t in the mood to continue. The first news article that shows up is a week old and he frowns as he locks his phone and rests his head against the cab window. It’s late. There’ll be new headlines in the morning for sure. If Junmyeon were asked in an interview what the most defining moment of his career was, he would tell the story of his first audition. He was seventeen, eyes bright and full of possibilities and dreams of television and movies, when he sat in the hallway with hundreds of other hopeful actors exactly like him. The confidence he’d walked in the door with abruptly wilted away like a flower in an empty vase and he’d slunk into the first chair available, next to a kid whose loud voice was somehow more distracting than his ridiculously long legs. Junmyeon had stuck his own out for a subtle comparison and a few more petals withered and died at his feet, resting mid-calf next to the boy. This was a really terrible idea. A good looking face wasn’t going to stand out in a room full of other good looking faces, and his pretty voice wasn’t going to get him much further when singing talent was a requirement for the role. The characters they were auditioning to play were idols, after all, and before they could add the makeup and cameras and ready-made dialogue, they had to separate the stars from the watchers and Junmyeon so, so badly wanted to be a star. He had to think of something that could make him stand out from the others, and fast, before it was his turn. He was staring at his shoes with such intensity that he didn’t even notice the other leg nudge his, only jumping when that loud voice said, “Hey, it’s okay to breathe, you know?” “Huh?” Junmyeon looked up with surprise. “You know.” The boy demonstrated taking a deep breath and flapped his hands towards Junmyeon, until he mimicked the movements. He’s rewarded with a bright smile. “There you go!” Junmyeon smiled weakly and cast a glance around to see if anyone was watching. “Sorry, I just didn’t expect there to be this many people here.” The boy followed Junmyeon’s line of sight and gave a shrug. “It’s for the chance to play a member of an idol group. Who doesn’t want to try out for that? If you ask me though, half of these people are going to get turned away before they even make it into the casting room.” “What do you mean?” “I mean the first part of the audition has already started. You see the two standing in front of the doors?” He pointed towards the two adults watching over them all. Junmyeon had thought they were there to keep the peace and send people in a few at a time but now he notices their gazes lingering on each and every face in the hallway. “They’re scouting which of us seem the most idol-like. Idols are supposed to be confident right? They have thousands of people who scream their name and follow them everywhere they go. Would an idol sit here with a hunched back and shaking hands and try to blend in with everyone else?” “No.” “An idol has to stand out, be the most important person in the room. They’re going to give the part to whoever can act like an idol the best. So if you want to get past the first audition – those guys,” He pointed again at two at the door. “Then you have to make them believe that right now you are the most important person in this room and that you are the only person who can fit the role.” Even the stars in the sky compete for the attention of the watchers below, and it’s only the brightest ones that drew notice and admiration. It’s the first star that shines in the dark that everyone wishes upon. Junmyeon straightened his back in the chair and held his head high as he looked over at the boy with a smooth smile and stuck his hand out. “I’m Kim Junmyeon. I’ll give you a shout out when I win the rookie actor award next year.” “Park Chanyeol.” The boy laughed as he shook his hand. “I’ll let you be the first mention in my debut album’s thank you’s.” Later, when he approached the casting panel with no hesitation and fire burning in his eyes, he noticed the pile they pulled his profile out from was tiny, maybe only fifty names at the most having made it to where he stood in front of them. His confidence spiked and he smiled as he introduced himself in a strong voice and stared back unwavering when they evaluated his appearance. Idols couldn’t show they were intimidated under the spotlight, after all. “He looks responsible and mature. What do you think?” “Very studious and dependable. It says here that he’s a club president at his school.” As if on command, they all looked down at his profile and made a humming noise together. The corners of his mouth twitched as it got harder to keep a neutral smile on his face, not wanting come off as cocky or unpleasant in the most important meeting in his seventeen years of life. “You’re auditioning for the role of D.O. though? Why the main vocal? He’s a bit broody and I just can’t really see that with you.” His heart felt like it was stuttering in his chest. Were they going to pass him over? He’d thought their comments so far had been positive and he’d already passed through the two staff guarding the door! It couldn’t end before he’d had a chance to show them his acting skills. “I like to sing, sir, and I’m pretty good at it. He may be broody but he has a strong presence in the group and I find him interesting, especially when his playful side comes out when you least expect it to.” He could do it. He could become the character. “I can read a few lines if you-“ “No, stop.” Junmyeon couldn’t breathe as the director stood up from his chair and turned away. His star was crashing, a blaze of smoke streaking behind it as it crashed towards Earth. His mouth opened and closed as he struggled to find words that could convince them he could do this. He could brood and be gloomy and be playful and could sing if they would just give him five minutes. “Read from this instead.” He blinked as the director faced him again and handed him a different script. “Suho? You want me to read for the part of the leader?” “That polite smile hasn’t left your face since you walked into the room and everything about you tells me Reliable Role Model. If you’re not a perfect fit for Suho, then I don’t know who is.” The other panel members nodded quickly in agreement and Junmyeon’s hands trembled slightly as he turned the cover page over to view Suho’s lines. Were they offering him the part? He cleared his throat and relaxed his stance, the fear and tension melting away from his body with every line he read and every nod of the head it received. When he handed the script back and was told they’d contact him after the decisions had been made, the director gave him a wink and Junmyeon left the room walking on clouds with a smile brighter than the sun. If Junmyeon were asked in an interview what the biggest regret of his career was, he would tell the story of his first audition. To celebrate the hundreds of news articles that flooded his name’s search results after the photos with Yifan spread through the internet, Junmyeon buys drinks for everyone at a bar somewhere in Hongdae. He doesn’t know any of them but they know him and that’s all that matters really. They cheer as he stands on a table doing shots and treat him like a star as he stumbles around the dance floor from person to person, preening under their attention and touches. A few people call for him to sing and he wobbles on top of the pool table with an empty beer bottle as his mic and obliges with songs he’d practiced so long and hard on all those years ago that they’re embedded into his soul. He slurs the lyrics horribly but he thinks he sounds fucking amazing. Better than Kyungsoo. Better than Baekhyun ever sounded. He should have been the one singing the main lines in all of their OST songs. He holds his arm out as he belts out the last note of the song, closing his eyes as the bar chants, “Suho! Suho! Suho!” His eyes fly open and his fists clench tightly because no, that’s wrong, that’s not his name! The bottle falls out of his hand and smashes into pieces on the ground as he scrambles down from the table and turns around, looking at everyone still chanting that name for reasons he can’t understand. Suho would never be completely wasted at a bar, would never have let those heavily made up girls suck tequila off his stomach, would never have let those sleazy guys on the dance floor squeeze his ass and grind against his thighs. Junmyeon would do that, did do that. Junmyeon can do anything and be everything that Suho couldn’t be and would never be. Why couldn’t they see that? What more did he have to do to prove it to them? “Kim Junmyeon!” That loud voice cuts through to him and he turns around, ready to say “yes, that’s me!” except he never gets the chance. The punch to his face doesn’t register until he’s knocked down to the floor and the crowd goes silent. He blinks as the room sways and his vision fades a bit around the edges for a moment before focusing on a pair of legs standing in front of him. His nose feels a bit warm but those legs are distracting because, good god, they’re long and wait, he knows those legs. He spent three years comparing them to his own, three years standing next to them during long hours of filming, and the last five years never wanting to see them again. His eyes narrow as he looks up at the face breathing wildly and staring at him with fury, and as the whispers from the crowd turn from his name to that of the other’s (“Is that Chanyeol?”) the anger that’s always simmering just below his skin begins to boil. This is Junmyeon’s party, not Chanyeol’s party. How dare the younger boy show up and take that away from him. He starts moving forward before he even has a handle on his footing, using his drunken clumsiness to propel him into Chanyeol. They crash against the bar top and glasses and bottles from the table fall to the floor as Chanyeol’s arms fly across it on impact. The crowd starts shouting with a mix of alarm and glee and Chanyeol’s stupidly spindly legs kick out at Junmyeon, who manages to land a returning punch against Chanyeol’s jaw before falling backwards into the bar stools, making them fall over one by one like a set of dominoes. Chanyeol’s on top of him before he can recover from the fall, one hand gripping Junmyeon’s hair tightly and he barely manages to cover his face with his forearms in time to block Chanyeol’s fist. He twists and turns trying to free himself but all of the time he’s spent in the gym is in vain because goddammit Chanyeol’s torso is just as long as his legs and all he can do is thrash and block the blows from landing. It’s a relief when someone suddenly pulls Chanyeol off and Junmyeon’s hauled up by the arms soon after. He tries to wipe the blood dripping from his nose but the grip on his arm won’t let go and he curses silently when he looks into the unamused face of a policeman. They’re both dragged through the crowd, flashes from phone cameras going off here and there, and outside to the car with the blue and red lights flashing off the buildings. Handcuffs are put on and rights are read before they’re shoved into the backseat together with a couple of towels and riding to the station. Junmyeon’s manager is going to be pissed when he gets the call to come pick him up. He’d already blown up at Junmyeon about the Yifan scandal and now that his charge has an arrest record, he might walk away for good. Junmyeon wonders if his next manager will be more open to discussing roles that Junmyeon wants to do and not ones that will try to bring back his once nice and pure public image. “You’re a lousy piece of shit, Junmyeon.” Junmyeon laughs. “What did I do? You’re the one who showed up and came at me.” There’s that look of fury again on Chanyeol’s face but Junmyeon gets no explanation as the other boy just shakes his head and looks down at his hands. Junmyeon’s nose still stings so he presses the towel to it, trying not to wince and show it had been a pretty decent blow. There’s some blood on his sleeves and he glances over to see the cuts on Chanyeol’s arms from the glasses he’d fallen into. They look painful, going by the way the muscles tense at every bump in the road, but Chanyeol doesn’t make any move to clean them up. Junmyeon lets his gaze wander up to the other’s face. He’s avoided looking at any mentions of the other boy’s activities for so long that it’s strange to see the mature face sitting next to him. Gone was the friendly, easygoing smile that stood out among hundreds in the small hallway and in its place was anger, frustration, and other things Junmyeon can’t quite distinguish because of the walls built up between them. The red mark on Chanyeol’s jaw is already starting to turn into the telltale shades of an ugly bruise and Junmyeon can’t keep the pleased smile from forming on his face. He might be shorter than the other, but he clearly had the advantage when it came to arm strength. Chanyeol catches him staring and his expression sours before he turns away, staring out the window and ignoring Junmyeon the rest of the way. There’s a door to the left of Junmyeon’s bedroom that never gets opened. Locked inside it are memories, things that were once precious to him but now represent his stagnant hopes and dreams. All of his scripts for We Are EXO!, a printout of the first news article written about him, the photos from the night they won best teen drama and Kyungsoo won the rookie acting award for D.O., the OST albums and DVD boxsets and collectables and gifts from fans. The show ran successfully for three years, airing twice a week simultaneously in both Korea and China (where their Mandarin counterpart ruled the timeslot ratings), before it was given a touching finale and cleared off the airways to make room for the next hit teen drama. Junmyeon and the other five members of EXO-K he’d grown up alongside had parted at the studio doors with bittersweet goodbyes but exciting possibilities as they looked ahead to new projects. His first offer, or rather offers, came immediately and he’d barely been able to contain himself as he’d sorted through it all with his manager. A modeling contract for school uniforms was partnered with a secondary role in a twelve episode high school drama. Radio jingles about recycling and water conservation were followed by a CF for a popular brand of tea. Voice acting for animated films and part of a star-studded cast in a drama about rich kids. Two years passed before he knew it and the media was abuzz with news that Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, and Jongdae, from EXO-M, were debuting as a real idol group. Junmyeon had been sitting on the set of a movie when he’d gotten the text from Chanyeol to please, please, pretty please, go watch his debut teaser. They hadn’t crossed paths in a while but Junmyeon had been unprepared for just how much Chanyeol had changed as he watched the short video on his phone. The dark, melancholic theme was so unlike the cheerful person he knew but Chanyeol adapted to it well and there was a little prickling of pride swelling in his chest. He watched it again, then another time, and by the fourth time he was imagining himself in it instead of Chanyeol. He’d be wearing dark clothes, his hair mussed and eyes dark with liner, walking through the empty house and touching things, only to let go as if the painful memories had burned him. There’d be a scene of him collapsed on the bed with the sheets clenched tightly in his fists as the quartet’s voices sang of loneliness and despair. Junmyeon had been called back onto the set then and for the first time, the sweater felt tight at his neck and the stylist fussing over his fringe grated on his nerves. He was two years past his first big break and he was playing the role of the youngest son, who was in a grand total of five scenes and had twenty lines, eleven of which were updates on his school activities delivered over the family’s meals. Why did his fringe have to be given so much attention when his name was going to be listed eighth during the end credits? Why did he have to wear a sweater when it was the middle of August? It was later when he was home in bed that he realized he’d forgotten to reply back to Chanyeol. “Is there anything different?” became his default question when his manager would hand him a new set of scripts to look over. “All of these are so boring. I want to play a spy who discovers he works for an evil corporation, or a jealous ex-boyfriend who can’t let go, or a ghost who terrorizes a group of campers!” His manager looked at him incredulously and laughed, as if amused. “A scary ghost? Really, Junmyeon?” Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Jongdae’s debut album topped all of the charts and every night Junmyeon would search his name on the internet only to be greeted with articles bearing headlines about the quartet’s success, his name mixed in with theirs as a passing mention of their past work. The feeling that he was being forgotten, that his friends were soaring up among the stars and he was on the ground still trying to figure out how to fly haunted his sleep. He took matters into his own hands and went to open casting calls without his manager knowing, looking for any character that was interesting and different and memorable and would give him the chance to challenge himself and grow as an actor. They all looked as amused as his manager though, some even asked if he’d walked into the wrong audition. The final straw came when he was turned down for a down and out artist in an independent film before he’d even gotten to read any lines. He’d crumpled the script in his fist and finally asked why. “You’re too clean-cut and polite. I need someone who’s edgy and wild and completely fucked up, not a goody-two-shoes.” “But if you let me try-“ “Sorry, but we have the part of the younger brother open. Can you read for that instead?” The last time Junmyeon looked into his room of memories, he set his jaw straight and vowed to prove to everyone that he could be wild, that he wasn’t a perfect role model. Auditions didn’t take place just inside the casting room, after all. Junmyeon’s manager doesn’t leave, but the company comes down hard on him for the PR mess he’s made. He has to pay damages to the bar and even though the company avoided any charges being filed against him, they decide to impose community service on him as a way to show the public he’s reflecting on his actions. The filming offers officially come to a halt and the results when he searches for his name conclude that this is the lowest he’s sunk, so he stops looking. The first thing his manager schedules for him, with a smile wide enough to make Junmyeon believe he was enjoying this immensely, is picking up litter at one of the largest parks in the city. It’s July and he’s wearing a stupid orange vest that he begins to sweat through within the first ten minutes and he’s absolutely miserable. There’s people staring and they keep their distance from him. It’s embarrassing and his manager gives him a knowing look, as if that was the purpose of this. He’s grumbling to himself when he finds an empty bread wrapper and can of coffee caught in a bush, but before he can poke them with his pick up stick, another one intercepts it. He looks up and up and finds a glare aimed at him. “What are you doing here?” “Reflecting on my actions.” Chanyeol says in a resigned voice, wearing a similar orange vest as he deposits the wrapper and can into the trash bag he’s holding. Junmyeon glances over at his manager, who is eating snow cones with Chanyeol’s manager now. Both of their companies are probably in cahoots with each other and Junmyeon has an unsettling feeling about it. “Whatever. Go somewhere else though. This is my trash.” Chanyeol face gives an odd twist like he’s trying to fight amusement and he holds his hands up in defeat as he wanders away. The work is tiring and whenever Junmyeon feels like his body aches too much to continue on, he catches a glimpse of orange some distance away and gets a jolt of energy that pushes him forward. Once or twice he spots Chanyeol hunched over a dirty pathway, drawing words and pictures with his pick up stick instead of working. A few times the other boy kicks a wayward ball back to a group of kids and waves to some fans who have gathered. Nobody seems to be avoiding him and it makes Junmyeon bristle. He takes advantage of Chanyeol’s distraction by trying to collect just one more bag of trash than the other. When they finally meet back up again at the end of their routes, he stabs his stick into the plastic bag in front of them with a childish flourish. His back is aching as he hauls the last bag over to the bench the two managers are sitting on and he collapses onto the grass in exhaustion. A towel gets thrown onto his head and he pulls it down to see Chanyeol sitting next to him with a grin. “You seem out of shape. Spending too much time drinking?” “Fuck off.” Junmyeon glares at him with no real heat behind his words because he’s tired. Chanyeol shrugs. “Fine. I was going to give you one of the water bottles but I’ll just drink both of them myself.” Junmyeon makes his best pitiful face and reaches his arm across the grass, making grabby hands until Chanyeol relents and puts a cold bottle of water in it. Never before has water tasted so precious to him and he inhales the cool liquid under the warm sunshine as their managers take pity on the two and carry the bags to the vans for them. Junmyeon relieves himself of the orange vest and fans his tshirt to try to cool himself down. “Baekhyun and Kyungsoo are disappointed in you.” Junmyeon pauses with surprise and looks over at Chanyeol who is picking at the label on his empty bottle. “Excuse me?” “You heard me. Jongin and Sehun think you’ve completely lost it, and I think-“ “That I’m a piece of shit. I know, you’ve already told me and the whole world has the pictures to prove it.” Junmyeon sighs and looks up at the clouds. He already felt lousy as it was and didn’t need the reminder. “I didn’t know you still kept in contact with Jongin and Sehun.” “Friends keep in touch with each other.” When Junmyeon stays silent, Chanyeol continues, “I tried really hard to keep in contact with you, you know, and you just ignored me like I’d never existed. I thought I meant something more than just a co-star to you but I guess I was wrong.” “It wasn’t like that.” “Then what was it?” “I don’t know.” It’s a frustrating feeling to be lost. Once upon a time, Junmyeon had a direction he was going in and even when he took an off-road path he was still heading somewhere. Now he can’t tell forwards from backwards and every step is terrifying to take, not knowing if it’s the right or wrong one. “I can’t explain something I haven’t completely figured out yet, but it wasn’t like that.” “Well-“ Chanyeol pauses as their managers shout at them from the vans and he brushes the grass off as he stands up. “Whenever you do figure it out, come find me. You owe me that much at least.” Junmyeon stays lying on the grass long after Chanyeol’s walked away from him. There’s a heavy weight on his chest that’s aching more than his back is. Like most clichéd rebellions began, Junmyeon got a tattoo on his twenty second birthday to symbolize his new approach to life, to celebrate the new him. He’d had every intention of getting it somewhere visible but after the reminder from the tattoo artist that they were permanent and would be with him forever, he opted to begin his rebellion secretly with a tattered and torn star high on his thigh. He didn’t want to be turned down from roles because he had a tattoo the director disapproved of. It stayed his secret until he was twenty three and met a young, up and coming photographer who was just as eager to ruin Junmyeon’s image as Junmyeon himself was. The photoshoot stunned everyone and Junmyeon couldn’t have been any happier with it. He’d spent months in the gym preparing for it so that when everyone flipped through the risqué pages of the magazine they wouldn’t see that pretty, fragile teenage boy they knew, but rather a twenty three year old man breaking through the suffocating chains of typecasting. It was a dark theme, set in tones of gray as he laid lonely and naked on the bed, stared despondently out the window, and gave a mirthless and hollow smile to the camera in a close up. He poured out everything he had wanted to show to the casting directors but never got the chance to, that he could be tortured, uninhibited, and hauntingly beautiful in front of a camera. It also earned him the beginnings of a reputation, one that he found out about while spread out underneath Jung Yunho in a seedy hotel room that they thought no one could trace back to them. Junmyeon almost hadn’t heard him because Yunho had been sucking marks onto his thigh as if he could further tatter that star tattoo and it was driving him mad. “You look even more sinful in real life,” was all he caught before Yunho was swallowing him whole and his hips were arching off the bed, wanting more. They were supposed to part ways the next morning with Yunho taking the elevator and Junmyeon taking the stairs, but Yunho had pulled Junmyeon in with him at the last second and pinned him into the corner where he kissed him desperately like he was a thirsty man in a desert and Junmyeon was his glittering oasis. While Yunho’s company did everything they could to keep the security tape from becoming public, it quickly leaked like most things involving a top hallyu star did. The tryst with Yunho had the media buzzing for weeks and Junmyeon had never experienced such a flood of articles on his results page before. Despite the negative overtones, it was exhilarating to have his name in the headlines and personally satisfying to have the photos accompanying it not be of himself smiling in a school uniform but rather his morose face from the magazine or the grainy elevator photo of his hands tangled in Yunho’s hair. He wasn’t a pretty boy anymore to them. It was the start of a rapid decline in filming offers, but through the scandal he learned there were other ways to keep his name in the spotlight. Like most clichéd rebellions, Junmyeon didn’t know how to stop. Chanyeol is convinced his manager is trying to kill him when they’re scheduled to help out at an animal shelter, but Junmyeon thinks it’s his own manager who’s trying to kill him because Junmyeon has to do all of the work after Chanyeol starts sneezing from allergies within ten minutes of arriving. They send Chanyeol into the back to help with paperwork and Junmyeon’s manager shrugs unhelpfully when they assign him to clean the kennels and give the dogs a bath. He even complains when Junmyeon misses scrubbing a spot. The chores are more exhausting than walking around the park had been and the dogs are entirely uncooperative in the shower stall, wanting to lap at his chin and play with him instead of getting clean. The aftermath leaves him with shampoo suds in his hair and clothes damp and clinging uncomfortably against his skin but the dogs are happy and he can’t find it in him to be upset when they wag their tails as he dries their fur. By the time the last one is dry, Junmyeon’s energy is spent and he listlessly walks to the break room to rest. The couch is half occupied by Chanyeol and a beagle lying next to him, head propped up on his leg and fast asleep as Chanyeol gently rubbed circles on his head. Junmyeon can’t help but feel duped as he sinks down into the other half of the couch. “You’re the worst person ever. I thought you were allergic. Was that a lie to make me do everything?” Chanyeol laughs. “I can handle one or two animals, but too many of them is a problem. I swear I wasn’t pretending.” “You’re still the worst.” Junmyeon mumbles and rests his head back against the couch, closing his eyes as he idly pets the dog’s back. The bustle of the shelter fades to white noise as he relaxes and it’s soothing to run his fingers over the soft fur. He’d had a dog once upon a time as a kid and he remembers now how comforting it had been to have her curl up next to him after a long day at school, how she’d listen to his secrets and his fears and his worries and protect him from thunderstorms. It’s been a long time since he’s had someone to confide in when it felt like the world was bearing down on him. He opens his eyes to find Chanyeol watching him and it makes him feel self-conscious. “What? I wasn’t sleeping.” Chanyeol shakes his head and looks away with a hint of a smile on his lips and Junmyeon shifts uncomfortably on the couch. The dog looks over at him and Junmyeon scratches his chin in apology for the disturbance. “I think I should get a dog.” “A dog? Really?” “Yeah. I mean, it’d be kind of nice to have the company.” “Are you sure your schedules won’t get in the way of taking care of it?” Junmyeon snorts bitterly. “What schedules? Is anyone really going to offer anything to someone whose last pictures were of them with a bloody nose being hauled out in handcuffs? They think I’m just a reckless and out of control has-been.” Chanyeol is quiet and it makes Junmyeon feel nervous. Does the other still think he’s is a piece of shit, washed up like everyone else believes, or does he remember the times when they were seventeen and draped across the couches in the dressing room, reading over scripts and rehearsing lines late into the night. He has vague memories of Chanyeol tucking him in with blankets and sitting by his side while he slept until the managers took them home, and he’s suddenly afraid to find out what Chanyeol thinks. It shouldn’t matter, hasn’t mattered for the last five years, but somehow now, as he picks at the couch cushion, it does. “I think you should get this dog.” “What?” Junmyeon is startled out of his reverie and looks over to find Chanyeol holding the beagle up by his underarms, both of their eyes looking at him pleadingly. “You said you wanted a dog. I think you should get this one. He followed me around all afternoon and kept me company back here. He’s a very good friend.” Chanyeol deposits the dog into his arms and Junmyeon pretends that the warm and fuzzy feeling rushing through his body is from the dog’s soft licks on his chin. “Okay. I’ll get this dog.” “His name is Happiness.” Junmyeon stares at Chanyeol in disbelief. “It is not.” “It is! I’m being serious.” “I am not naming my dog Happiness.” “I don’t think you have a choice because I already named him and he approved.” “No.” Junmyeon says firmly and stands up with the dog cradled in his arms, quickly leaving the break room to go fill out the papers before he could change his mind. Later when he’s sitting in the back of the van with his new companion held in his arms, waiting for his manager to take them home, a tap on the window reveals Chanyeol’s smiling face. “Hey, next time I’ll take care of the heavy cleaning since you had to do it today.” Junmyeon blinks, the words “next time” echoing softly through him and causing his heart to speed up just a little faster than normal. “Oh. Sure, okay.” “And, uh, the staff here kind of like me so they let me peek at your paperwork. I hope Happy takes good care of you.” His heartbeat comes to a flustering halt and he does the only thing he can think of and glares hard at Chanyeol. “They said that was his name. I had no choice!” He quickly presses the button for the window and Chanyeol’s booming laugh continues to haunt the car long after they’ve pulled away. Everyone knew that Chanyeol treated Junmyeon just a little bit differently than the others. Everyone, except Junmyeon. It was subtle, yet obvious to anyone watching, the way his eyes would sweep the room until they found Junmyeon, the way he’d use checking scripts as an excuse to lean against the other, the way he’d smile for no reason at all when Junmyeon was nearby, the way his heart would race whenever the other fell asleep on the couch next to him. Kyungsoo would elbow Chanyeol anytime he was caught staring too long and he’d miss the small smile on Junmyeon’s face when he’d whine loudly and rub his side. Sehun would complain when Junmyeon stopped listening and he’d miss the way Chanyeol’s eyes would flicker back to him when he’d apologize and promise to pay attention again. It was subtle, yet obvious to anyone watching, the way his eyes would sweep the room until they found Chanyeol, the way he’d seek out only the other whenever he wanted to go over the scripts, the way he’d smile for no reason at all when Chanyeol’s voice carried over the chaos of the studio, the way his heart felt peaceful and serene as he slept on the couch late at night. Everyone knew that Junmyeon treated Chanyeol just a little bit differently than the others. Everyone, except Junmyeon. Junmyeon hasn’t felt the urge to apologize in a really long time, but he thinks the need to say something to Chanyeol is what’s been weighing heavily on him the last few weeks and causing him to lose sleep. The problem is that he doesn’t know how to begin and though he’s discussed it with Happy several times, he chokes up when he meets up with Chanyeol at the retirement center for another community service project. They spend the afternoon in the same room, though kept apart as they spend time and converse with the elderly living at the center. Of all the projects they’ve done so far, this is the most relaxing to Junmyeon. He walks in as a stranger to them all and they treat him no differently than they would a grandson coming to visit. Instead of thinking about his career, his only concern is how many cards the lady on his left is secretly discarding when he takes his eyes off the game (“Uno again? You’re too good at this, ma’am!”) and keeping the gentleman the next table over from slipping into slumber (“Hey, didn’t you say you used to be a fisherman? Tell me some of your tales of the sea!”). There’s also the soothing sound of Chanyeol’s guitar as he plays for a group on the other side of the room and Junmyeon frequently catches himself closing his eyes and being lulled by the melody. The last time Junmyeon had heard him play was in the dressing rooms of the television studio, just learning his first chords and basic rhythms, and now he’s able to create songs from nothing but his imagination. When the gentlemen ask him for something faster, he changes without hesitation, and when the ladies want it softer, he obliges immediately. “It’s nice having you boys here.” Junmyeon startles, not noticing the lady now occupying the previously vacant seat next to him. Nearly everyone has gathered up around Chanyeol and he catches the singer’s eye for a brief moment before he launches into a new song. It’s slow and somewhat haunting and Junmyeon almost forgets he’d been spoken to. The lady is smiling at him when he turns back to look at her and he flushes for a moment, feeling caught off guard. “It’s nice being here, to be honest. Even though I’m apparently a terrible Uno player.” “Yeongja’s been cheating for years. You’re a good young man to indulge her.” The jab of guilt in his heart feels a little painful because she probably wouldn’t think that if she knew half the things he’s done, and he thinks about putting on his usual polite smile but she’s looking at him so patiently that he takes a deep breath instead. “I’m not that good really. I’ve made a mess of a lot of things and I don’t know how to put it back together again. I don’t know how to apologize to the people I’ve hurt along the way.” She hums in acknowledgement and reaches out to put her hand on top of his. “One step at a time. You put it back together the way it was first built, with one step at a time. It might seem impossible and it might not come together the way it originally had, but if you’ve already done it once before then you should know you’re capable of doing it again.” He chews on his lip as he thinks about the monumental task of rebuilding his reputation and she pinches his hand and tuts at his expression. “And as for apologizing, just say it. It’s doing you no good to keep it inside, worrying about it, and it’s not doing the other person any good either if it’s something they deserve to hear. Consider it your first step to fixing things.” Junmyeon exhales. “You’re right.” “Of course I am.” She gives his hand a final pat before withdrawing. “Don’t worry so much. If you mess up again then come back here and I’ll set you straight.” He grins at her, shoulders feeling just a little bit lighter. “Be careful or you might see me back here every week. I have a reputation for making very foolish decisions.” He doesn’t get the chance to approach Chanyeol until it’s dinnertime and they’ve said their goodbyes, walking back to the vans under the warm evening sunshine. The nervous energy inside of Junmyeon grows the closer they get to the vans and he knows he has to apologize now or he’ll keep putting it off forever. His palms are sweaty and he opens and closes his mouth several times in failed attempts to call out to the other boy. He finally grabs onto the back of Chanyeol’s shirt and forces the other to come to a stop, asking, “Do you have anywhere important to be right now or can I talk to you for a moment?” “Uh.” Chanyeol pauses and silently communicates something with his manager before turning to him with a smile. “Sure. Let’s go over there?” There’s an empty courtyard in the back of the building and they sit on one of the benches underneath the shade of the trees. Chanyeol stretches his legs out in front of him and Junmyeon’s own only come up to mid-calf, just like they had all those years ago. It makes him smile and he nudges the other’s leg with his foot in order to dispel the tension in his body. Chanyeol laughs. “So what’s up?” “I think I’m finally starting to figure things out.” He begins and looks over at Chanyeol with determination. He can do this. One step at a time. “I didn’t go in there to audition for Suho, you know? I hadn’t even read any lines or sung before they’d already decided that Suho was the right role for me. I wanted to be an actor so bad that I didn’t care at the time. I liked being Suho. It was easy and it was a perfect first role for me. Except it didn’t stop there. Every role I got after that was the same. It’s like the only thing anyone thought I was capable of being was a class president or that nice neighbor kid or the favorite little brother. There was no lead role or character development or anything worth remembering about them. I didn’t get to read a script and immerse myself in the character and decide how to get the viewers to understand his complexities, because there were none. I wanted to be someone who touched people, who made the viewers hate him and love him and cheer for him and cry for him. I wanted everyone to see me as an actor who could do anything and play anyone. I didn’t realize how badly I wanted it until I watched your debut teaser and I was so jealous because you weren’t stuck like I was. You were doing everything you told me you dreamed of doing and I was stuck playing the same characters over and over again. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for your debut. I’m sorry I dropped contact with you and made you feel like I didn’t care. It wasn’t that at all. You just reminded me that I was falling short of my dream, and then I got so caught up in trying to prove to everyone that I could be those characters they said I wasn’t capable of being that I lost sight of everything and really messed things up. Now nobody wants me and I need to fix things before the company decides to drop me as well. So this is my first step towards that. I know an apology won’t make up for it all, but it’s something you deserve to hear, regardless. I never meant to hurt you in any way. That’s the last thing I would ever want to do.” Chanyeol is quiet and Junmyeon looks away, staring at the ground, the trees, his hands, as butterflies anxiously rattle his stomach. Vulnerability is something he hasn’t felt in a long time and it’s terrifying leaving his heart open and bare. He’d thought that hiding it behind walls and masks would keep it safe and strong, but now he realizes it only made it fragile and weak. “Why Yifan?” “Huh?” Junmyeon furrows his brows. “Why were you with Yifan? Were you just drunk or do you actually like him? Did you like him back then as well?” Junmyeon can’t stop the laugh that comes out and he quickly reaches out to grab onto Chanyeol’s hand when the other moves to leave in a huff. “Yifan was just for show. We didn’t do anything besides talk and when people started whispering about Suho and Kris we gave them something different to talk about. He dropped me off a couple blocks away and I took a cab home and that was it.” Chanyeol’s shoulders hunch forward like a wilted flower but he doesn’t remove Junmyeon’s hand from his, instead brushing his thumb lightly across the back. It causes goosebumps to break out on Junmyeon’s arms and he suppresses a shiver. “I thought you were toying with me when I read about it.” “What do you mean?” “I thought, maybe, you were sending a message to me. When you first started ignoring me I thought it was because of what I wrote to you. Remember we all signed each other’s final scripts?” “I remember.” They’d treated it like it was a senior yearbook and left messages for each other, though now Junmyeon can’t remember if he ever read his. He’d left the studio and gone straight to the company with his manager to talk about his next project. “When you ignored me, I thought that was your answer, but I didn’t want to let you go and I thought maybe you’d change your mind so I kept including you in my thank you’s on our albums, like I promised I would. I guess I thought that maybe if you saw it then you’d feel differently. Then our new album came out and the song… when I saw the pics of you with Yifan I thought you were trying to tell me…” He trails off when he sees the lost look on Junmyeon’s face. “You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?” “No. Sorry? I never actually got any of your albums…” Junmyeon hates having to admit it, hates the blank look that Chanyeol gives him, hates the way Chanyeol slowly withdraws his hand and stands up. It hurts and he wishes more than anything that he could rewind time and reply to all of the unanswered texts and buy all of the albums he’d promised in Chanyeol’s script he would and keep Chanyeol’s hand in his. “It’s okay. Forget what I said then. It doesn’t matter anyway. I accept your apology and I’m sorry I punched you. I assumed the wrong thing and was angry.” Junmyeon stays sitting on the bench long after Chanyeol’s walked away from him. The heavy weight on his chest is suffocating and he knows it’s more than just guilt and regret. For the first time in years, Junmyeon opens the door to the left of his bedroom. The faces of EXO-K greet him from the walls as he walks inside and this time it leaves him feeling sad and alone. He’d spent the last few days catching up on what the others have been doing and there’s so, so much he’s missed out on. The worst though was reading about the abrupt cancellation of Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Jongdae’s album promotions due to the bar fight. Chanyeol had never mentioned any of it to him and Junmyeon had been too absorbed in his own misery to think of the effect it would have had on the singer. Another thing he’ll need to apologize for. He moves boxes around and digs out the old scripts. Some of them are a bit crinkled but the one he’s searching for, his final script, is exactly as he’d left it. He lets his fingers brush over the cover, over his name, before he bites his lip with hesitation and flips through it. Their messages and signatures aren’t in any one place and somehow he’s not surprised that he has to flip through page after page to try to find the one he’s looking for. He finds one of Jongin’s poems on page twenty three, off to the side of a scene that just the two of them had shared and it makes him recall there’d been a scene alone with Chanyeol. On the back of page fifty seven is where he’d left his message on Chanyeol’s script. The scene where he’d walked into the dressing room to find Chanyeol playing his guitar. It had been the first and only time they got to sing together, just the two of them. Chanyeol’s smile had been warm when cut! was yelled, and remembering it takes Junmyeon back to the first time he’d seen it in that hallway. He flips through the pages and his breath catches in his throat at the lengthy scribble on the back of page fifty seven. I bet you left a message for me on this page too, am I right? kekekeke Even though it took three years, I’m glad we were able to finally have a song together. You have a beautiful voice. It’s too bad you want to continue being an actor instead of being a singer. You sure you don’t want to do both? If you don’t, then at least promise me you’ll do a duet with me someday on one of my albums? I know you’re worried about the future even though you tell us not to worry about ours, but I know you’ll be just fine. Just remember to take a deep breath and believe that you’re the most important person in the room. After all, you’re the most important person to me. Did you know that? Baekhyun says I’m too obvious sometimes but I can’t help it. When you walk into the room, you’re all I see. Whenever I’m feeling bad because the director or Kyungsoo scolded me, you smile and I forget that anything ever happened. They only scolded me because I was too busy looking at you anyway. You know when you caught me crying in the dressing room the other week and I said I was sad the show was ending? It was only partially true. I was sad because I wouldn’t have an excuse to see you every day anymore. I was scared because I don’t know what to do without you right beside me. I was worried I would never get the chance to tell you how I feel, to tell you that you’re everything to me. You told me to not be afraid and that I was capable of anything I dreamed of. So here I am not being afraid. Here I am going after something I’ve dreamed of. Wherever the future takes you, can you let me be there beside you? And just so we’re clear, because you can be really dense sometimes, I’m saying I want to be more than just a co-star and friend in your future. For the first time in years, Junmyeon sinks down to the floor and cries. To Junmyeon, who’s been by my side from the beginning, who’s as bad at dancing as I am, who told me I was going to do great things. Thank you. Junmyeon swallows the lump in his throat as he reads through Chanyeol’s thank you’s from their first album for the tenth time. Why had he been too prideful to buy it until now? And not just the first one, but all of the subsequent albums as well have him listed even though he absolutely hadn’t deserved it. He sighs and rolls over on his bed as the final notes of a song play through his earbuds. It’s something from their most recent album, the first one with Chanyeol’s name as the sole credits, and Junmyeon shivers as he presses the back button and the anguished guitar begins again. An Unrequited Love. He hums the melody aloud as his fingers stroke Happy’s fur, curled up on the bed beside him. “Happy…” He whines aloud childishly. “How did I miss all of this?” The dog stares at him like it’s obvious, and he knows it is. He knows exactly how he missed it all and he knows exactly how much he regrets it. “I thought taking step one towards fixing things would be the easiest, but somehow it seems like it’s the hardest. What if he’s finally given up on me for real this time? He’d be smart to. I had how many chances and I screwed every one of them up.” Happy wags his tail and it whacks Junmyeon in the head painfully, earbuds coming loose and the music from them sounding muffled in the quiet room. “I can never tell if you’re on my side or his. Was that for all the times I’ve screwed up or was that to tell me it doesn’t matter?” Junmyeon doesn’t get an answer because his phone starts ringing and he grabs it quickly when he sees it’s his manager. “Have you decided on the next service project yet? Will Chanyeol be there?” “No more service projects.” Junmyeon’s stomach drops uncomfortably. “But there is a filming opportunity and yes, Chanyeol will be there.” “What do you mean? What is it?” “They’re filming a music video for their new song and you were requested to be the actor in it.” “The actor? As in, the only one?” “Yes.” “For Chanyeol? And Baekhyun? And Kyungsoo? And Jongdae?” “Yes, I told you that. Have you been drinking again? I swear, Junmyeon-“ “No!” Junmyeon cuts him off quickly. “I’m just… I can’t believe it? I thought that nobody wanted me anymore.” “Then you should feel lucky, because somebody does want you. And, Junmyeon-” His manager pauses. “The company said this is your last chance. Just, please, give it everything you’ve got.” Junmyeon gulps. “I understand. I won’t let you down.” Or Chanyeol. He wouldn’t let either of them down anymore. All week long Junmyeon had been half expecting his manager to call back to say that it was a joke, that the director had changed his mind, he didn’t fit what they were looking for, his name was a risk, but now as he’s surrounded by the cameras and staff rushing around, he realizes that it’s actually happening. They really wanted him here. Peaceful and serene is what the director had asked him to portray, and despite this being his last chance, he finds those feelings washing over him easily. The chaos of the studio is calming and he closes his eyes with a quiet sigh as he sits on a bench, back against the wall, in front of a frosted window. This feels comfortable, like home. This is where he wants to be. Filming begins and music fills the room as Junmyeon stares out the window. The lyrics tell the beginning of a love story and though Junmyeon is supposed to just sit there thoughtfully, he feels the song deserve better. When Kyungsoo sings of eyes meeting from across the room, Junmyeon tips his head to the side as the afternoon sunlight warms his face. When Jongdae sings of a brush of the hands, Junmyeon presses his against the window. When Baekhyun sings of shy smiles, Junmyeon’s own spreads softly across his face. When Chanyeol sings of a racing heartbeat, Junmyeon draws a heart in the frost. “Cut!” Junmyeon freezes, hand still pressed to the window. He shouldn’t have done that. He should have stuck to their instructions and done everything like they’d asked but- “That was perfect! Do whatever you feel expresses the song the best.” Oh. He lets out a sigh of relief and nods at the director. He can do this. He can become the song. They shuffle him over to the piano to begin the next scene and as the staff fuss over the cameras, he runs his fingertips over the keys. It’s been a long time since he’s played but the anguished melody that’s been trapped in his head for days comes to him easily. He plays as quietly as he can so it doesn’t annoy the staff, tripping over notes here and there due to inexperience but he’s smiling because it’s Chanyeol’s song and he feels a familiarity with it. The staff clear the area and he looks up to watch the signal from the director but something else catches his eye first. Chanyeol’s standing off to the side in his stage makeup already, though he doesn’t have to film for a while yet, and Junmyeon feels everything come to a halt as their eyes meet. The other’s eyes are lined darkly and his hair is pushed up off his face and the soft smile on his face is making it difficult for Junmyeon to remember how to breathe. He would have missed the cue from the director if Chanyeol hadn’t nodded to the side quickly and Junmyeon is glad that the video calls for him to be lighthearted and falling in love or else he would be failing miserably. The rest of the filming wraps up with ease and Junmyeon has a bounce in his step as he watches the group film their close ups. It’s a relief to have the director praise him and assure him he did a good job and he knows his manager is so proud of him, going by the way he’s been on the phone with the company for a while now with a grin on his face. He’s proud of himself for it. He catches Chanyeol’s eye several times as they do take after take. Sometimes the other looks away quickly as if he’d searched for Junmyeon without meaning to, and sometimes he’ll smile and make faces, tired or hungry or mimicking one of the other boys behind their back. It feels familiar and comfortable and Junmyeon can’t help but smile back. When the final take is called there’s a flurry of activity surrounding him and he has to fight through it to catch up to Chanyeol before the other is ushered off and he loses his chance. He finds him sitting at the piano that had been wheeled off to the side when Junmyeon’s scenes were finished and he sits down on the bench beside him. “I heard you playing earlier. It was my song, wasn’t it?” “Yes.” Junmyeon admits. “It’s been stuck in my head for days. It’s really beautiful. I… I read everything. The thank you’s and the note on the script. I’m sorry I didn’t see them until now.” “It’s okay.” Chanyeol gives him a small smile and idly plays with the piano keys. “I understand why you didn’t.” “Do you still mean it? Everything you said. Do you still mean it?” Chanyeol stares at him for a long moment and Junmyeon doesn’t wither under it, determined and knowing which direction he wants to head in finally, if given another chance. “Would it be foolish of me to still mean it?” “It would be very foolish of you considering everything, but I happen to have a reputation for doing foolish things also. You can ask anyone.” “I’m well aware of it.” Junmyeon grimaces but when he reaches over to brush his fingers against Chanyeol’s hand, the other flips his palm over and interlocks their fingers. “Then you should also be well aware that I’m working on it. It might take me awhile but I want it. And I want you there with me. I want to prove to you that it’s not an unrequited love if you’ll still let me.” Chanyeol’s smile is blinding and, yes, Junmyeon finally knows exactly which direction he wants to head in. It’s nearly two in the morning when Junmyeon sneaks in the front door, trying to not make a sound but failing because he’s a little tipsy and his shoes aren’t cooperating. He hadn’t meant to stay so late at the after party but he’d been pulled from group to group and gave his manager’s phone number out to so many directors and fellow actors that he’s afraid he’ll get an earful at the meeting they’re scheduled to have tomorrow, no, today. He only gets one shoe off before he hears footsteps approaching quickly and he chuckles as Chanyeol’s hand comes around the back of his neck and his lips fall eagerly against Junmyeon’s. This is what he loves coming home to every day and he melts into the kiss, letting Chanyeol trap him against the door in a cocoon of long legs and arms. It feels safe and warm and he arches his back when Chanyeol’s hand slips down to grab his ass. Something jabs into his stomach and he breaks away with a gasp. “Wait, my trophy! Don’t break it!” Chanyeol drops his head down into the crook between Junmyeon’s neck and shoulder and laughs. The hot air on his skin makes Junmyeon shudder but he ignores it and lifts up the trophy in his hand to inspect it for damage. It’s been hours since his name was called and he’d gone up on stage to give the thank you speech he’s dreamed of for years, but it still feels surreal. “I kept my promise.” “I saw.” Chanyeol presses kisses to his neck and it makes Junmyeon hum happily. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there.” “It’s okay. Someday we’ll be at that point in our careers where we can date publicly and when that day comes I’ll get to say ‘I love you’ in my speeches, instead of just ‘thank you.’” “And I’ll get to tell everyone all of my cheesy love songs are about you.” Junmyeon wraps his arms around Chanyeol’s waist and slowly walks them backwards out of the entryway and further into their home, depositing the trophy on the table along the way. “But until then…” “Until then…” A careless trail of clothing on the floor finishes the thought for them. “Junmyeon, you’re going into your twentieth year in the industry. What would you say has been the most defining moment of your career?” “Without a doubt, it would be the day I walked into that building for my first audition and met Park Chanyeol.” 1. I was heavily inspired by Fluttering India with the talk about leader Suho vs magnae Junmyeon, him being insecure they wouldn’t make the news, and him not wanting to play church oppa. 2. I also used my experience of being a fan of someone trying to destroy their innocent teen idol image. MOD NOTE: You've reached the end of the fic! Thank you for reading. If you'd like to leave a comment, please do so in THIS Livejournal post!