SH 2015: A Million Little Pieces (for gingerdae)

[suholiday]

For: gingerdae
From: ANONYMOUS until May 22, 2015

Title: A Million Little Pieces
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Suho/Kai, past!Suho/Irene
Length: 15,720 words
Summary: Junmyeon inks his body upon every important moment in his life. After years of decorating himself, he finally finds someone to read him like a book.
Warnings: none
Notes: Dear recipient, I really enjoyed writing this fic and I hope you'll like it.
Thanks to G (I'd be lost without you), M and C for help.

Junmyeon gets his first tattoo when he is sixteen. His parents have no idea what's been going on in their son's head for around a few weeks now; neither do they know about him seriously planning to get something inked into his skin, skin that belongs to a model student who's never gotten in trouble with anyone before, answered all of the teachers' questions and hasn't skipped a single class in his life. They aren't aware of him chatting some of the iljins up and running a risk of getting beaten up simply because they feel like it and someone like him dares to meddle in their business. No one really knows about that besides the guys and Junmyeon himself. He doesn't have many friends to break the news to, much less someone in whom he would confide such an unexpected thing, given it's coming from him. It's even better that way, with no one knowing about his small act out of pure rebellion against everything his world and reality consists of. Junmyeon finds himself knocking on someone's door on Friday evening, the smell of something rotting slowly filling up the air and mingling with a noticeable hint of must. Dirty, grey paint comes off the wall in most places, leaving the underside bare and even easier to paint obscene graffiti on. It's not like he expected some luxurious and clean environment - it was one of the iljins who recommended this guy to him, after all - but even amateur tattoo artists and their yet to be fully formed aesthetic sense certainly wouldn't be satisfied with such living conditions. A tall, lanky man with limbs too long for him to control precisely opens the door and lets Junmyeon in. He introduces himself as Chanyeol while a cigarette hangs out of his lips. His arms are covered in tattoos, starting on his wrists and going up to his shoulders, but the colorful pictures made of ink don't end up there. They creep down his back and that's all Junmyeon can make out with the rest hidden under the white wife beater, occasional colorful stains of ink sunken deep into the material, at this point most likely for good. The man's hair is curly and blonde and he desperately needs a haircut. Junmyeon is too scared to utter what he's come here for, much less a remark about the man's, Chanyeol's, appearance. "Money first," is what Chanyeol tells him when Junmyeon sits down on the couch and plays with his fingers nervously before handing Chanyeol the money. He feels utterly out of place, with his neat school uniform on. "Just tell me what you want, kid." "A tattoo," Junmyeon says quietly and looks around, eyes never meeting Chanyeol's. "Obviously," Chanyeol snorts. His voice is deep and it makes Junmyeon's skin crawl. "The point is what you want to get. Haven't you thought this through before coming here?" "No," Junmyeon admits. He's looked up a few sample tattoos, sure, but none of them seemed to be to his liking. That's why he figured he'd decide on it on the spur of the moment, once he's met the guy who's supposed to tattoo him. "You're wasting my time, brat," Chanyeol sighs. He scratches his head and lights up another cigarette, the previous one long forgotten in the ashtray. "Let's do it like this - I'll choose something I think would suit you." Junmyeon can only nod. A thought of him getting his first tattoo without anyone knowing still feels a little surreal, as if it's just a dream and Junmyeon isn't breaking all the rules he's constricted by. The realization hasn't hit fully him yet and it still doesn't for the next hour, not until Chanyeol's done with tattooing one of the tribal tattoos onto his shoulder, the needle no longer in contact with his skin. He isn't even sure whether the needle had been properly sterilized before Chanyeol got down to work, but he'd been too intimidated by the man's figure to dare question anything he does; there's a pile of used needles and gauze in the corner of the room, adding up to the general shabbiness of the place. Wind blows through the wide open windows, despite the fact that they're on the tenth floor and it's just so easy to fall out of the window frame if one isn't careful, accidentally slipping on one of the various things scattered all over the floor. Chanyeol hands Junmyeon gauze and, to Junmyeon's relief, it's one of the clean ones. (Later on he finds out Chanyeol was supposed to apply the vaseline on his tattoo and wrap the foil around his bicep.) Chanyeol instructs him how to take care of the tattoo and the skin around it before it's fully healed, but Junmyeon is too overwhelmed to pay attention to what Chanyeol is carelessly explaining, the lack of enthusiasm whatsoever present in every syllable of obligatory, half assed demonstration. He takes a quick glance at his tattooed arm and decides to admire it once he's home, hiding all the glee and excitement behind a hardly kept up facade of seriousness. He may act as if it isn't a big deal, but a tattoo is a permanent thing and it's not like he'll be able to get rid of it easily. Chanyeol counts the money before he lets Junmyeon out, immediately slamming the door behind him and cutting him off from his messy world of tattoos, cigarettes and dangerous things. He is nothing like Junmyeon; he's free, under no restrictions of anyone and anything, basically doing whatever he wants. At this time, if someone told Junmyeon that he'll somehow follow Chanyeol's footsteps, he would laugh it off and call the person insane. In the end, though, no one really knows what the future holds for them. >>> Junmyeon turns out to be an oddly fast drinker that night, taking a sip of his whiskey almost every two minutes, teeth clanking against the ice. He's sitting at the bar, music not as obnoxiously loud here as it is deeper in the room. By no means did he expect a night club not to be noisy, but he's been using the “I’m getting older” excuse recently and it doesn't let him down that night as well. The bartender is busy serving drinks to the other guests who decided to take a break from dancing, so Junmyeon has no one to make small talk with. Instead, he's trying to hear his own thoughts lost among the beats of ubiquitous, noisy music coming out of the big speakers installed into the ceiling. He doesn't even know why, but he comes to this place every Friday night and enjoys a drink by himself, as no one really approaches him. His friends often ask him to drop by or nag him to throw a party at his apartment, but he always refuses. Not only would he have to deal with the annoying, old couple next door, but also clean up the mess left by his friends and he definitely isn't up for any of this. Coming here is kind of a habit now and, even though he can't say he doesn’t like variety, it's one of the things he doesn't want to change. Just like his job, for example, or his apartment even, despite the neighbors that often drive him up the wall. "Nice tattoos," snaps him out of his thoughts, a deep yet velvety voice chuckling next to his ear. "Want me to buy you a drink?" "Sure," Junmyeon says. He doesn't hold himself back from accepting drinks from strangers nor chatting with them, not anymore, because he knows in the long run it won't matter anyway. "And thanks. I've been thinking about getting another one." "Oh yeah?", the stranger asks. He sits next to Junmyeon, his thigh brushing against Junmyeon's, their knees pressed tightly to each other. "Where?" "Haven't thought much about that," Junmyeon replies. It's just that he's felt this odd kind of itch lately and he's learnt to recognize it as a sign of his body telling him it's been too long since he last paid Minseok a visit. "Why are you so curious? Wanna get a tattoo yourself?" "Not really," the man shrugs. He looks young, even with the sharp streaks of light cast on his face which should make him appear older than he really is. His skin is near flawless, save for a few spots on his left cheek, just next to his ear. "Right now the only thing I want is to dance with you." "Then what's stopping you?" Junmyeon asks, turning his head and looking the stranger right in the eye. There's a spark of excitement in the man's dark irises, an obvious hint of desire failing to hide itself at the corner of his full lips. He must be younger than Junmyeon, but it isn't one of his concerns at the moment. It would never bother him, to be honest. The man heads deep into the crowd on dance floor and not once does he turn back to check whether Junmyeon is following him. Confidence is practically bursting out of him, verging on arrogance though never really crossing the thin line. It's undeniably hotter and louder amidst the crowd, Junmyeon brushing past the bodies covered in sweat, their clothes mostly crumpled. His white shirt is still fairly untouched, but the stranger doesn't look as if he was planning to keep it that way. He's wearing a v-neck shirt as well - it's black, matching his hair, and unlike Junmyeon's loose one, it fits quite tightly around his chest. Junmyeon is too old to let himself stare so shamelessly at someone who's just hit on him, but he can't help it when his gaze lingers on the man's sharp collarbones a little bit longer than it's appropriate. The moment he raises his gaze and settles it on the stranger's face, he's welcomed with a not so subtle smirk, then there are hands placed on his waist, thumbs slowly rubbing circles on his hip bones. He's suspected the man is up for something more than just dancing, but it is only then that it turns into a quite thrilling perspective for him. He doesn't know what to expect, but it's not like he has to hold himself back from anything and so he lets the man close the distance between them, their bodies slowly grinding against each other. Junmyeon can feel his cheeks warming up, though such a reaction isn't caused by shyness or tentativeness; he isn't, really. It's been a while since he felt attracted to anyone, much less a stranger who's casually touching his sides and his back, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. He wraps his arms around the man's neck, his forearms resting on the broad shoulders and, surprisingly, he doesn't feel weird when his fingers play with short hair on the man's nape, wet and sweat-soaked. He pulls on them and his grip tightens as the man responds with a sudden thrust of his hips against Junmyeon's body. His crotch brushes Junmyeon's hip and it's enough to send a joint of electricity down his spine, as the man looks straight into his eyes, nonverbally asking him to play along. He doesn't need to convince Junmyeon nor try to get him into this, as Junmyeon gladly accepts the offer by taking one of his arms off the man's shoulders and sliding it down his chest, stopping just above the waistband of his washed out jeans, fingers fiddling with the buckle of the belt that keeps the jeans hanging on the man's hips. Turns out it's as if Junmyeon pulled a trigger; the man leans closer, his breath tingling Junmyeon's face and he knows where their actions are leading. It doesn't take much for the man to place his lips on Junmyeon's and he is gentler than Junmyeon would expect. It’s surprisingly pleasant and thrilling, kissing someone who’s practically a stranger to him. It eventually makes Junmyeon’s mind switch off as his body and instincts take over. He responds to the kiss and the man smiles when he notices Junmyeon’s enthusiastic response, and gently swipes his tongue along the curve of Junmyeon’s bottom lip. Junmyeon parts his lips slightly, just enough for the man’s tongue to slip in and patiently explore the insides of Junmyeon’s cheeks, teasing him and competently avoiding Junmyeon’s tongue when he seeks for them to connect. Junmyeon groans, frustrated due to all the teasing he’s not used to and pulls at the man’s shirt, drawing him closer and trying to force him to give in. It works, dragging a quiet whimper out of the man. He runs his fingers through Junmyeon’s hair and holds onto it, but remains oddly careful so as not to pull on it too much. All of sudden he isn't as brave and hot-blooded and straightforward as he'd been in the beginning, but Junmyeon likes that. Junmyeon doesn't know a single thing about the stranger, save for the fact he's a really good kisser and after a moment, it isn't enough for him anymore; he breaks the kiss in the middle of Junmyeon exploring his mouth, catches Junmyeon's wrist and pulls him away from the crowd, heading straight into what Junmyeon suspects is a bathroom. He doesn't protest nor does he mind being pushed straight at the wall once they're inside, his back hitting cold, white tiles. Shivers go down his spine and it isn't only due to the sudden clash of a cold surface and warm skin; it's also the way the stranger kisses him now, biting on his lips and forgetting about the gentleness he’s treated Junmyeon with back on the dancefloor, as if he left it all behind the bathroom door. Anyone can walk on them any second and although it isn't particularly weird to find more or less drunk people making out in the bathroom, Junmyeon knows their actions will become more intimate than that. The man must've realized it as well, as he decides to relocate them to the nearest stall, closing the door and making sure they won't get disturbed by anyone. Junmyeon feels the man's lips moving down his chin and neck, leaving small love bites along the way; they aren't hard enough to leave bruises that will last for days and soon there won't be any trace of their encounter, though he wouldn't mind having one of them permanently imprinted into his neck. It wouldn't be much different from a tattoo, the man's lust just like the ink seeping deep into the layers of smooth, sweaty skin. The stranger sinks down on his knees and at first it catches Junmyeon off guard; he didn't expect it to happen so fast, but he can't say he minds the man willing to get rid of the arousal he's been dealing with for a while now. Junmyeon looks down at him, a few strands of messy hair sticking to his forehead. The man slowly unbuckles Junmyeon’s belt and then takes off his jeans, along with his underwear, the man’s gaze never wavering. His eyes immediately flicker to Junmyeon's hip and the feather tattoo he has there. "Where else do you hide them?" he chuckles, staring at the tattoo and making Junmyeon want to grab his hair and force his cock into his mouth, because damn it, he can't take it anymore and it's been a while since the last time someone gave him a blowjob. "I'll tell you once you stop making my dick freeze," Junmyeon groans, a hint of annoyance showing up in his hoarse voice. The man chuckles once again and looks Junmyeon in the eye; his gaze, unlike Junmyeon's, isn't hazy and desperate. "Get down to it, will you?" "You didn't look this eager back at the bar," the strangers says casually and Junmyeon is one snarky remark away from telling him off when he feels the man's fingers grip the base of his cock, his tongue licking the underside right along the pulsating vein. Junmyeon's knees almost buckle as the man continuously teases him by taking the head of Junmyeon's cock into his mouth, only to let it out the next second. Junmyeon is too old to play games, much less willing to do that when he's horny and there's a hot, young man crouching in front of his crotch. He buries his fingers in the man's hair and pulls on it, bringing his face closer. The moment the tip of his cock hits the man's throat, he knows he's won; the man has seemingly gone off teasing him and he's now completely taking Junmyeon in, moving his head along to Junmyeon's unintentional thrusts. Junmyeon's heart picks the speed up and he moans, blood rushing through his veins and straight into his brain, making him dizzy not only because that's probably one of the best heads he's got in his life, but also due to the release slowly building up in the pit of his stomach. The stranger's hands keep Junmyeon's hips under control so that he won't jerk them too harshly, but Junmyeon doesn't even mind as he focuses on the small moans and whimpers the man is making, sending vibrations around his cock. "Hurry up," Junmyeon hisses, fingers seeking for something to hold onto. "I'm gonna come." "Go ahead," the man mumbles and shrugs, his tongue still doing wonders to Junmyeon's dick and proving the fact he's by no means an amateur and actually knows how to drive someone insane. Junmyeon doesn't need to be told twice as he lets out a last, loud moan and comes into the man's mouth, the tension going off him and getting swallowed and licked off by the stranger. Through his half closed eyelids he sees the man sweeping his tongue along his bottom lip and grasping the remnants of cum from the corner of his lips. He stands up, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and looks at Junmyeon with a mix of satisfaction and amusement gleaming in his eyes. "I'll get going," he pats Junmyeon's shoulder and opens the door to the stall, stretching his arms above his head. "See you." It's probably their first and last meeting, Junmyeon thinks, as he watches the man check his reflection in the dirty, smudged mirror. He can see himself as well, peaking in the left corner of sharpened and framed glass. His hair is tousled and so is the stranger's, but the man quickly styles it back into place and leaves the bathroom, not sparing Junmyeon a glance. No one really hangs out with their one night stands afterwards; the short yet undoubtedly productive time they spent together flashes in their minds the morning after, yet vanishes as quickly as the routine kicks in. Junmyeon is surprised when it turns out to be different this time, him feeling the man's gaze for the rest of the weekend and it definitely doesn't help. His face is printed on the underside of Junmyeon's eyelids, coming to life every time he closes his eyes it’s inked into his mind, just like the tattoos are on his skin. >>> "You look..." Yixing starts, meticulously examining Junmyeon's face, as if trying to figure out what is different from the last time he saw it. His eyebags aren't as hopeless as Junmyeon's, though still badly covered with foundation. "Tired. Wasted." "Thanks," Junmyeon says, resting his head on the desk. He probably should've called in sick, because there's a big chance he'll mess up someone's hairstyle. "As if I didn't know. You aren't helping, you know." "At least we don't have anyone scheduled until ten," Yixing pats Junmyeon's head and automatically starts playing with his hair, fingers running through blonde, messy strands. "Do you want coffee?" "Yes," Junmyeon mumbles. He'd rather Yixing didn't stop his little display of affection, but the man is already gone before he even manages to open his mouth. He hears him humming a song under his breath and he recognizes it as one of the newest hits of the most popular girl group nowadays. Most of their clients detest this kind of music, to put it lightly - the hair salon they run is known for serving the rebellious teenagers, underground musicians and other people who basically try to escape from the constraints of commonly set rules and guidelines, or have already succeeded in doing so. Junmyeon likes the job and so does Yixing, both of them always listening to the stories their clients share with interest and curiosity, often giving advice and sometimes even befriending those who come frequently. It isn't what Junmyeon had imagined his future to be like back in high school and the first years of university - it's the exact opposite, in fact - but he's glad it has turned out this way. His life isn't particularly interesting. He doesn't go partying most nights of the week nor have a contact list full of people to call, but it's definitely better than it would've been if he hadn't chosen the path he's still walking. Work doesn't fail to distract him that day and for the rest of the week, the hours spent on cutting, styling and dyeing the clients' hair along with casual conversations and Minseok calling him from time to time. He nags Junmyeon about his rare visits in the tattoo studio he works at, trying to talk him into getting a new tattoo. Junmyeon likes tattoos, he already has a few on various parts of his body and he has to admit he's been thinking about accepting Minseok's offers, though he isn't sure what to get yet. He only lets himself get a tattoo when he really feels like it and is hundred percent sure he won't regret it later. He doesn't want the situation from a few years ago to happen again, still embarrassed about the hilarious, big tattoo he has on his thigh. Following his routine, he takes the bus to the club he frequents every Friday night, orders the same drink and thinks the past week through. Not much has changed, save for Yixing's hair color, but it isn't something he'd count as significant or remarkable, yet alone capable of influencing his life in any aspect. Instead, his thoughts turn immediately towards the man he met last week, unclear memories of his figure shattered into fragments, some of them lost in time and other as blurry as they'd been. He's been racking his brain for the past few days in order to evoke the details he'd missed that night, despite having paid attention the entire time they spent together. All his efforts are in vain however and he can’t conjure any new image of the elusive man. The reason he's still clinging to the memory remains unknown to him, since every other person would just try their best to forget, but Junmyeon insists on doing the exact opposite. Being simply enchanted and mesmerized by the man isn't enough of an explanation to appease him; it must be something else, a trait so rare and unique Junmyeon's frantic to find its origin. "I didn't expect to see you here tonight," someone says. To tell the truth, this person isn't a stranger anymore; it's the man Junmyeon met last week. His eyebrow is slightly cocked in interest, a smile playing at the corners of his lips as if it couldn't decide whether to settle there. "Or, maybe I did? I'm not sure anymore, you know." "Why are you saying this to me?" Junmyeon asks, his gaze still on his drink. He shouldn't let anyone make him feel this way, small and defensive yet at the same time unwilling to leave. "Isn’t there an unwritten rule here? We were... quite intimate last week, but it doesn't mean you can just casually start a conversation with me." "You were much more entertaining the last time we met," the man retorts, tint of amusement stuck to each syllable. He's mocking him, Junmyeon realizes, but it doesn't concern him as much as it would have before. "Aren’t rules meant to be broken anyway?" "You sound like a rebellious teenager," Junmyeon laughs, memory winding back to his high school days, Chanyeol's shabby apartment and his parents' rage when they found out about the tattoo. "Are you?" "No," the man replies. Junmyeon lets his gaze lay on the man's face; there's no need for him to avoid the eye contact, is there? He's been waiting for that moment for the past week and it's unreasonable to waste the chance he never thought he would get. "I graduated a few years ago, but that's not the point. Actually, I... I really like your tattoos." "Thanks," it isn't the first time Junmyeon hears such a confession. What captures his attention is, however, the man's sudden hesitancy and the way his eyes roam around the room as if running away from something, from someone. "You said the same thing last week to hit on me, you know? Stop beating around the bush and spill it." "I thought you'd forget," the man chuckles. "Some people decide to get a tattoo on a spur of the moment, some do that because they simply like tattoos, and for others it's a way of remembering an important event in their life. Which type are you?" "All of them," comes a honest reply and a fleeting smile that disappears a second later, just like the memories one recalls only for a moment before going back to the present. "That’s it?" the man asks with disbelief, trying to hide his disappointment. Junmyeon knows he probably expected a longer reply, leading to an interesting story about Junmyeon's life and tattoos, but he's not going to give it away that easily. "Really?" "No," Junmyeon laughs, shaking his head. The man he sees at the moment is nothing like the attractive and mysterious stranger who sucked his dick only a week ago and it's hard to believe it's the same person. There's no enticing smile, shameless grinding against Junmyeon's body and fingers impatiently running through his hair. Instead, he sees an earnest adult who might as well be mistaken for a kid and Junmyeon is nowhere near to figuring him out. "Stop being so reserved. I know we're not friends, not even acquaintances, but..." it seems difficult for the man to give up on drawing Junmyeon out and any other person would let it go by now, but he, on the contrary, gets more persistent after each refusal. "Okay," Junmyeon says and reaches out for a napkin. "Do you have a pen?" "Here," the man hands him a simple, black pen, one of the cheapest ones you can buy almost everywhere. He has a habit of chewing on the tip, Junmyeon notices, but it doesn't matter to him for he's used to the sight thanks to Yixing and some of his unpleasant yet usual habits. "Drop by next week," Junmyeon says as he hands the napkin to the man, an address of his hair salon scribbled on it, some of the words crossed out due to the ink not always willing to cooperate. "You know where to find me." Junmyeon takes a last gulp of his drink and leaves the bar, not once sparing the man a glance. The least he can do is to appear confident, holding his emotions back as to not let them take over his actions. They have always given away a little too much. He didn’t lose his face in front of the man yet, at least he hopes he didn’t. Why does it even mean so much to him to make a good impression on the man? After all, he's rather irrelevant to his life, doesn't even play a big role in it nor affect Junmyeon's relationships with other people. If so, why does Junmyeon feel as though a mere presence of the man was like a needle pressed to his skin, just waiting to be pushed deeper? <<< Junmyeon looks out of the window, watching the cars go down the road and some of the students wander around the campus, though there's not many of them. The sun shining through the window feels thick and weighs heavily on Junmyeon's body, his shoulders and his eyelids; it pulls them down and Junmyeon almost dozes off. It's never easy for him to stay completely conscious during his business classes, the professor's sleepy and monotonous voice adding to the general dullness of the subject. He should be taking notes instead of drawing doodles in his notebook, should be listening to every word and focusing on today's topic, should be pushing the thoughts of his girlfriend aside because education is the most important and he won't be able to live off love in the future. As always, he's doing the exact opposite. He can't get Joohyun's smile and laugh out of his mind, not now, not ever. She called him this morning. He could imagine her smiling brightly as she asked him to meet her in the evening. They settled for six at their favorite cafe, the one they've been to so many times that they've already lost count, the one they've shared countless pieces of cake at and exchanged dozens of kisses in the corner of the main room. It holds so many memories and most of them are the happiest ones in Junmyeon's life, because, for some reason, Joohyun seems to be an only splash of color in his monochrome routine. "You're early," Junmyeon says as he sits in front of Joohyun, her blonde hair put up in a ponytail. She has dyed it recently, so the roots haven't shown up yet. "I wanted to arrive first so that you wouldn't have to wait for me." "It's nothing," Joohyun waves him off and smiles, though it isn't as bright as Junmyeon pictured in the morning. Something is off and he can tell through the way Joohyun's gaze drops to her hands clasped around the paper cup. "I've ordered for you, too. I hope americano is okay. They said it should be ready in a few." "Don't worry about it," Junmyeon shrugs and reaches out to take one of Joohyun's hands in his, playing with her fingers as she chuckles. "How was your day, Joohyun? You hung up on me so quickly today." "Ah, well," Joohyun bits her lip, pulling her hand out of Junmyeon's grasp. He slightly furrows his eyebrows, but waits for her to continue. "I think... I don't know, I'm sorry. Let me... I thought I had it figured out, but..." "Joohyun," Junmyeon says quietly and she looks up at him, her eyes devoid of the usual spark and shine that has always been there during their dates. "We have all the time in the world." "You've always been special to me and honestly, at some point I couldn't imagine my life without you by my side," she begins, but she can't bring herself to look straight at Junmyeon, her gaze burning holes in the wooden surface of the table. "I’d been thinking that, one day, we should move in together and plan our future. I'm not talking about marriage, it's too early to think about this, but I'd been so sure of what I wanted. No one would've convinced me that it could change." "Has it?" Junmyeon asks. The waitress places his coffee on the table, but it's too hot to drink without burning his tongue. Junmyeon's throat is dry and the familiar heaviness is back, this time setting in his heart. "It has," Joohyun finally locks her gaze with Junmyeon. Her eyes are emotionless, but Junmyeon can hear how much it costs her to say all these words to him, the underlying tone of sadness in her voice giving her emotions away. "I met someone. I'm sorry." Junmyeon has no clue how is he supposed to react to this. Should he start yelling at Joohyun and demand an explanation? Should he stay silent and wait for her to continue? Not once has he been put in a such situation and he doesn't even know how to interpret the sudden numbness that took over him. What answer does one give when their beloved one says they've found someone else, a better company to share their happiness and sadness with? Joohyun hasn't said anything like that. She didn't need to. Junmyeon knows what she's meant. "Who is it?" Junmyeon asks before he can stop himself and think twice about the question. He's torn between staying in his comfort zone of blissful unawareness and giving in to the temptation of finding out more, find the reason for Joohyun's decision. He isn't sure whether he wants to know what awaits; it's hard to acknowledge the fact he's been replaced with another man. He supposes his blood should be boiling with rage, the sound of his heart breaking ringing in his ears. He feels the exact opposite, as if all his emotions were taken away the moment Joohyun broke the news to him. "You don't know him," Joohyun replies quietly. She sighs heavily and presses her lips into a thin line before she decides to speak up again. "Listen, Junmyeon. I know you're probably blaming yourself and thinking you're at fault, but please, don't make me feel even worse." "I didn't say I feel guilty," Junmyeon says and it comes out sharper than intended. Maybe it's because of his dry throat? Though it might as well be tears threatening to fall and make Junmyeon look like a fool in front of his ex girlfriend. That, Junmyeon isn't keen on finding out. "Does he treat you better? Take you out more often? Buy you flowers every day, have a nice, expensive car in which he picks you up from university and gives you a lift whenever you need?" "My decision has nothing to do with you nor with him," Joohyun's gaze roams around the room, careful so as not to come across Junmyeon's face. She wants to leave, Junmyeon can tell, but he doesn't want to let her go. He can allow himself to pretend they're okay and nothing has changed for a little bit more before their relationship is over. "Then why? Have you gotten bored of me? Am I not enough for you?" there's a strong bitterness on Junmyeon's tongue and he hasn't even touched his coffee yet. It's a different kind of bitter; unpleasant and seeping into one's body like a poison. "When did you even... When did you cheat on me for the first time?" "Four months ago," Joohyun winces. She keeps biting her lip, as if it could help her to overcome the realization of what she's done and erase it from her memory. "We met by accident. I knew it was wrong to do this to you, to our relationship, but I couldn't..." "I should go, Joohyun," Junmyeon says. He can't take it anymore; he's already fed up with Joohyun's excuses, her saying the cliche. It’s not you, it’s me. She's never been a good liar. He can hear the unspoken pretences in between the lines of her trying to make it the least painful for Junmyeon. Can he blame her, though? It's the least she can do now, but it certainly doesn't change the fact that she's hurt him and no words of consolation will make him feel better, at least not today, not tomorrow. Next week doesn't seem possible, either. He knows how breakups look like, has seen enough of them in movies, read about characters' broken hearts in books, witnessed his friends having their lives turned upside down after saying goodbye to the ones they loved; but none of those things could compare to experiencing a break-up first hand. He definitely hasn't expected to go through any of this, not when he was so sure his relationship with Joohyun was stable and wouldn't fall apart as quickly as a house of cards under a weak gust of wind. Junmyeon is afraid to see the disappearing glint of love in Joohyun's eyes, their memories reflected in dark irises. What would Joohyun see if she looked at him? Would she start to pity him, get even more certain she's made a good decision to move on and leave someone this pathetic? It's probably for the best that both of them will never find out. "I don't think I'll be..." Junmyeon weighs his words, trying to find the ones that aren't too dramatic but still manage to make a point. There's so much he wants to say to her, so many questions he's holding back from asking as they pile up in his head. They'll just stay unanswered, never voiced out, gathering dusts at the back of his mind until they're forgotten. "Let's not keep in touch for a while." "I understand," Joohyun nods, and then she stands up and smoothes the folds on her short skirt. "See you around, Junmyeon. And... I'm sorry. I really am." "It's okay," it isn't, but Junmyeon is too tired to think about a reply that is not noncommittal. He doesn't want to dig deeper into that, at least not until he is used to the situation he's been thrown into and forced to accept. "Goodbye, Joohyun." Joohyun leaves quickly and there's no point in sitting in the cafe any longer. Junmyeon stands up, not bothering to take the coffee with him and heads home. It feels as if there was a glass barrier between him and the other people he passes by, separating him from the world and its fast pace. For him, the time stopped; his thoughts go back to his previous conversation with Joohyun and the thing he wants the most is to forget. He wishes he could stop thinking about Joohyun, stop searching for the fault in himself and refrain from glorifying her. He didn’t do anything wrong. City noises seem muffled to him, as if he is underwater and is listening to all of it from underneath the cold surface. It isn't easy to recover. Junmyeon catches himself calling Joohyun's number and then immediately stopping the call as he remembers they aren't together anymore. He deletes their couple photos, hides all the things Joohyun has given to him in a small box and places it under his bed, attempting to erase its existence from his consciousness. For the first month, the weight in his chest is as heavy as it was the evening they broke up, but Junmyeon tries to focus on his studies and get his ex girlfriend off his mind. It works for barely a week before he comes up with a different, clearly better resolution. Such an idea pops up in his mind on Tuesday evening when he walks past the new tattoo studio that opened on his way to university just a few days before. He's been battling himself for at least a week, trying to fight the urge to get his second tattoo and help cut all the ties connecting him to the past by means of paying the studio a visit and leaving some good amount of money there. He's been saving up since he started university, supposedly to have it easier once he's done with his studies and has to start searching for a job, but it's still a long time till he actually needs to begin thinking about that, so it shouldn't hurt if he takes a small part of it and uses it on such study-unrelated things. The only thing that's stopping him is his parents' reaction once they notice him taking the money out. A clear and sharp memory of them finding out about the tattoo on his shoulder flashes in his mind, the following days filled with fights and Junmyeon avoiding his parents at all costs. His mother came around eventually, though the same thing couldn't be said about his father. They'd insisted he had the tattoo removed, but he didn’t even consider giving in, so they let him keep it under one condition: no more tattoos. Junmyeon had agreed, but deep inside his heart knew he won't be able to keep the promise he made. It's addicting, feeling the needle pressed against his body, ink sinking into his skin and pain pushing other emotions away because at this moment they couldn't matter less. He isn't going to let the tattooist make a choice for him this time and opts for thinking the tattoo design through, browsing the Internet and searching for the one he'd like to get. His first attempts are fruitless and he's close to giving up the idea, but then, by pure accident, he finds the perfect design. Black rose. A farewell. When he steps into the tattoo studio, he feels as nervous as he felt when he'd met Chanyeol and gotten his first tattoo. It's been a few years, after all, so it might as well be his first time - it is, in some ways, because he's opted for a professional studio instead of some shady guy with questionable tattoo hygiene, knowledge and aesthetic. The studio itself is small, clip frames with exemplary tattoo designs hung on the grey walls next to some certificates and diplomas. It's clean and bright in there and Junmyeon is surprised, because he expected a place much darker and more intimidating than this. For a tattoo studio, the interior is rather chaste and both tattooists present look fairly harmless. One of them has his back turned to Junmyeon, flicking through some gossip magazine, meanwhile the other is probably checking their client schedule. Neither has drawn their attention to Junmyeon and he feels awkward, standing by the door and not knowing whether he should wait for them to notice him or make his presence known in some way. "Excuse me," he stutters, the unexpected wave of doubt washing over him as he feels the lump in his throat forming. "I..." "Didn’t hear you come in," one of the men says and tears his gaze away from the schedule. "I'm Minseok, that guy over there is Jongdae. What brings you here?" "Isn't it obvious?" Junmyeon asks and scratches the back of his head, his questions making both men laugh. "I'd like to get a tattoo. A small one, I think." "Okay," the shorter of the tattooists nods and stares at Junmyeon, as if examining his very presence. "You don't strike me as the type to get a tattoo, though." "Looks can be deceiving," Junmyeon replies as he lets Minseok guide him deep into the studio, until they reach the back of it where the tattoos are usually made. Minseok doesn't seem all that curious as to why Junmyeon has decided to get the black rose out of all the designs. He simply shrugs and gets down to make the sample design and, once it's accepted by Junmyeon, he asks him to take off his shirt so that they could get started. "That is a little outdated," Minseok laughs quietly as his gaze stops on a tribal tattoo on Junmyeon's shoulder. He peers at it for a short moment and it makes the tips of Junmyeon's ears red, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. Maybe he should've listened to his parents and removed the tattoo when they offered to pay for it? "Don't worry. It'll catch on eventually." "I got it in high school," Junmyeon says and feels the tip of the pen of his shoulder blade as Minseok quickly draws the rose. "I was... I wanted to rebel against my parents and the rules they'd set for me and getting a tattoo seemed like a good idea." "But you were underage," Minseok remarks. He's done with the easier part, moving on to fill the tube with ink. "Unless you just..." "Yeah," Junmyeon chuckles as Minseok clicks his tongue in disapproval. "The guy wasn't the nicest, but did his job well." "Consider yourself lucky," Minseok presses the tip of the tattoo machine to Junmyeon's skin. "I've met many people who had chosen amateur tattoo artists instead of professionals and regretted it later. You wouldn't like to see it." Junmyeon hums and closes his eyes as Minseok tells him to relax and that he's about to start, making Junmyeon's chest burst out with anticipation and excitement he's been bottling up ever since he entered the studio. He's only a little frightened by the thought of the pain he's about to be subjected to, but it's not like he hasn’t been through it before. It's more pleasant this time, with a fairly nice tattooist to have small talk with and clean, sterile studio to look at. Minseok is a good listener; he stays focused on his work, but also shows interest in the story Junmyeon's telling him. Junmyeon doesn't even register the moment he confides in the tattooist, a man he's known for half an hour, and opens up about his not so recent breakup with Joohyun. As a way of getting rid of the painful memories and sorrow weighing heavily in his chest, Junmyeon lets the words spill. Each and every grudge he's been holding against Joohyun, even the ones of which their existence he hasn't been aware of, seem to disappear as he talks about them and shares the part of himself with someone else. At some point he stops since the tiny prickling pain and the quiet buzz of the machine are gone. Minseok switches it off and says the tattoo is done. Junmyeon turns his head and manages to look at the small, black rose placed just underneath his shoulder, tiny petals only half filled with ink, at the tips and along its outlines. It's simple and beautiful, just as Junmyeon imagined it, yet Minseok has made it even more graceful and Junmyeon could swear he's one of the happiest people in the world. It isn't just a tattoo; a certain amount of ink poured into his skin and destined to become a part of him. It's Junmyeon freeing himself from the past, flipping the last page of this particular chapter in his life and moving onto the next one. He doesn't have to worry about the scenes he didn’t pay much attention to while reading. >>> It's been a week since Junmyeon last saw his favorite stranger and he's getting anxious. He knows it's not like they agreed to meet at the club every Friday, but he kind of expected it after they ran into each other again and managed to actually talk instead of getting it on in the bathroom. Not only had they struck up a conversation, but Junmyeon had also given the man the address of the salon and implied that he was waiting for his call sometime next week. He should've included his phone number too, he thinks, as he cuts someone's bangs short and tries not to get too carried away, at least now when he's at work. He can't help but quickly turn his head in the direction of the door when he hears it open, feeling the strong wave of disappointment as the next client is, sadly, not the person he's been expecting to see. All the hope he’s been holding in his heart dies out and he's glad Yixing is too oblivious to notice the weird habits he's developed over the past week under the man’s influence, or rather the lack of his presence which is slowly yet surely driving Junmyeon crazy. "Do we have anyone else scheduled for today?" Yixing asks. Junmyeon barely hears him, hidden at the back office and putting down all the hair care products they're running out of. "No," Junmyeon shouts back. "I don't think so." "Then there is someone here insisting they have an appointment with you." Junmyeon's heart stops for a moment, startled by the chance that it is the person he's been waiting for so eagerly. At the moment he can't think of anyone who might possibly need him this evening and if it was someone Yixing is acquainted with, he'd tell Junmyeon straight. Junmyeon knows he shouldn't get his hopes up, because he might as well end up being let down once again, but the desire is too strong to fight and he has no intentions to resist, either. He throws the notebook into his bag, deciding to put the inventory back the next day, and immediately leaves the back office in order to avoid second thoughts he'd get if he started wondering whether it's the stranger or some old friend who just happened to remember him. He doesn't recall the last time he met a person that made him feel so many things at once, though he's met a bunch of people ever since he dropped out of college and Yixing took him in when he was looking for a job. Not even Joohyun managed to utterly take over his thoughts and lifestyle, and it's quite funny, now as he thinks about it almost a decade after their break up. In the past two weeks he'd thought of the man more times than he had done of Joohyun during a year of their relationship. "I've finally found the napkin with the address," the man admits sheepishly, scratching the back of his head as he leans against the doorframe. "Sorry it took so long. I would've come on Monday, but..." He's wearing a white v-neck and jeans, pretty casual. Despite the fact his appearance today is nothing out of ordinary, Junmyeon's gaze is immediately drawn to him, in a feeble attempt to take in every single detail and save it for later. He doesn't know when they'll meet again and, although he hopes for it to be soon, the man remains a mystery and he doesn't want to take anything for granted when it comes to him. "It's okay." It isn't, but Junmyeon decides there's no need to say it. The stranger has the upper hand already and it wouldn't do Junmyeon any good if he gave him any more leverage. "Did you have any problems getting here?" "Not really," the man shrugs. His bangs are too long and he seems to be irritated by it, shaking his head slightly to get them out of his eyes. "Though you're hidden well." "I was just about to get off work," Junmyeon begins and pays no attention to Yixing chuckling in the corner of the salon. He's aware he's going to get teased about it the next day, but he decides to put the thought aside for now. "I also happen to have a free evening." "How lucky you are that I'm here to entertain you," the man says casually, pushing his hands into his pockets and cocking an eyebrow at Junmyeon. It seems to be impossible to read the man and predict the next thing he'll do, his attitude changing without any particular reason just like the weather does in early spring. "Let's go for a walk. The riverside isn't even that crowded today, so I suggest we take the opportunity to enjoy the view with an addition of the pleasant hum of the city in the background." "Didn't suspect you to be the romantic type," Junmyeon says later as they're walking down by the river, occasionally passing by dog owners taking their pets out for a walk and a few young couples making use of the weather. "How many sides of you are yet to come out?" "Just a few," the man laughs. No matter how young he looks in general, he's even more like a high school student when he smiles and isn't trying to seduce anyone. "I haven't even introduced myself properly to you. I'm Jongin." "Jongin," Junmyeon repeats. For some reason, Jongin's name brings the taste of whiskey on Junmyeon's tongue. "It... suits you, I guess? I'm Junmyeon." "I know," Jongin chuckles. "It's written on the sign in front of the salon. The one who called you over was Yixing, right?" "Yes," Junmyeon nods. It's getting darker. The red, blazing sun is setting unhurriedly, inevitably getting close to the faraway line of the horizon. "He had run the salon all by himself before I joined him. It wasn't that popular back then, but he's a nice guy and basically taught me everything. I enrolled in a hair styling course for beginners and made it till the end, but it was Yixing who showed me his ways and tricks." "And what did your parents think about it?" Jongin asks. He's kicking a pebble as they go down the riverside, his eyes glued to it as it rolls forward. "You're giving off this kind of vibe, like rich, respected people with impeccable reputations." "I thought it had faded away over the years." Junmyeon has Jongin's full attention now, his eyes no longer interested in following the path of the pebble. That's what he's hoped for, having dropped out of university and barely making ends meet, as he's lived off the money he'd saved and some part-time jobs he's managed to take up. "My parents had never been supportive when it came to things I wanted to do and they would always clearly state their expectations." "Do you keep in touch with them?" Jongin has much more tact and sensitivity than Junmyeon suspected, choosing not to pry and asking fairly harmless question instead. He puts it down on his mental list of times Jongin has managed to take him by surprise, noting it gets longer each time they meet. "No," Junmyeon's response is too quick to sound like he's okay with it. "Not really. I mean, if I were in their place, I would've reacted just like they had. I threw away all the opportunities they'd presented me with and wasted years of both mine and their hard work. Would you voluntarily stay on good terms with someone like that?" "I don't know. It depends on the person, I guess?" "Maybe," Junmyeon shrugs. A few years ago he would think a lot about the way things had turned out with his parents, pondering whether he'd made the right decision. It's no use dwelling on the past, especially not on the things he'll never be to change on his own. No amount of speculation will ever make things better between him and his parents, not when Junmyeon had clung to hope for them making up for too long, trying to turn a blind eye to the fact he'd been given up on. It seldom hurts these days, but today happens to be one of the rare times Junmyeon's heart twists at the familiar, sickening thoughts. "Let's talk about you instead," Junmyeon says after a minute or two of them sharing a not yet comfortable silence. They don't know each other that well and the tension still lingers around them, filling the blank spaces between the words. "What do you do for a living?" "I work in a supermarket" Jongin replies, having gone back back to kicking the pebble. This time he's picked a bigger one, easier to control. "Nothing interesting, I know. I used to dance and teach classes, but I had a serious back injury a few years ago and it put an end to my career." "I'm sorry to hear that," Junmyeon truly is, and although Jongin is better at concealing his emotions than he is, it isn't difficult to tell he's not yet come to terms with it. "Wasn't there any solution? Couldn't you have had it treated?" "Do you think I hadn't done my best to cure myself?" Jongin snaps, pushing his fists into the pockets of his jeans. He sighs heavily, giving up on playing with the pebble and then decides to carry on. "I'm sorry. I was never well off, not even when my dancing career was at its peak. Believe me, I would pay any price to be able to dance again, even just once, but it's too late now. I try not to think about it too often." "We won’t talk about it again, unless you want to," Junmyeon decides. He's been staring at Jongin for the past few minutes but he feels as if it's just the right time to peel his gaze off the man. "Let's go back. It's late and, unlike you, I actually have to focus on my work tomorrow." "Hey," Jongin laughs and smacks Junmyeon's shoulder. Despite their bold first encounter, they're not quite comfortable with each other yet, though the unsaid line between what is allowed and what isn’t is quickly disintegrating. "Putting the products on shelves and adjusting them so that the labels face a customer directly is a difficult task, don't underestimate my job." Jongin's statement has Junmyeon in stitches, but Jongin, instead of taking offence, joins him almost instantly. They take a shortcut to get to the main street faster and catch a bus, both of them living in different directions. There aren't many people waiting at the bus stop at this hour, just the two of them and a few lonesome travelers keeping themselves entertained by playing with their phones. Jongin leans against the barrier, arms crossed on his chest as his gaze wanders around the street and follows some of the cars passing by. They exchange a few words here and there while waiting, but it's mostly tranquil sounds of the city that surround them with their steady harmony. "You should drop by this or the next week again," Junmyeon says, snapping Jongin out of his thoughts and making him shake his head violently so as to come back to reality. "I mean, if you want to. I'm not forcing you." "You're funnier than I thought you'd be," Jongin mutters, but cut off by an abrupt yawn he lets out. "Sorry, didn't realize how tired I am. Expect me to pay you and your cute friend a visit." "Don't stay up tonight. The supermarket's future is in your hands," Junmyeon retorts, watching Jongin roll his eyes with amusement. "Go. You're going to miss your bus." Just when Jongin's about to talk back to Junmyeon, the bus pulls up and tons of people spill out of it once the door opens, though it doesn't make that much room for the new passengers. Jongin turns his head before getting in and locks his gaze with Junmyeon's for a moment, until it's his turn to step into the bus and find himself a seat. He waves to Junmyeon when the bus sets off and only stops when Junmyeon is too far to see him, then it’s just him and an old man keeping him company and waiting for the bus heading in the direction of the district Junmyeon lives in. The conversation he had with Jongin earlier is replaying itself in his head and he gives in to an unconscious examination of each thing Jongin said about himself. He hadn't thought much of Jongin in terms of interests and passion, straight on assuming he's just an overgrown brat who takes too much liking in teasing and too little in serious things, never suspecting he’s the one who experienced something as depressing as being unable to do something you love. Junmyeon hadn't expected Jongin to reveal this side of himself, the delicate and fragile one, the one he’s always tried to hide in front of Junmyeon using the stronger aspects of his personality. To Junmyeon, Jongin is like a riddle that always makes one hope they're close to solving it, when in reality the solution opens the door to another mystery. Each answer you find is only a small piece of something bigger and more impressive than it appears to be, its true colors revealing themselves one by one. Getting to know Jongin like the back of his hand is nowhere close to possible. Junmyeon knows that, and maybe it's another reason for him being drawn to Jongin to such an extent. He feels such a kind of thrill only when he's getting the next tattoo; after all, each meeting with Jongin isn't all that different from a droplet of ink seeping deep into his skin. <<< Junmyeon closes the door behind himself, oiled hinges and meticulously lacquered wood accentuating the dignity of the university. It's quite odd, because he knows he shouldn't be smiling as widely as he is, having just left his resignation letter at the dean's office and destroying his future. He's been thinking about dropping out for the past month, no longer being able to muster the motivation up and force himself to attend all the mandatory lectures he's never been enthusiastic about. He's tried to convince himself it would change once he's used to the subjects his major requires, but it's never quite worked out the way he hoped and it left him utterly disappointed. No matter how much he'd go into detail and look for pros of his education choice, nothing seemed to be satisfying enough to stop him from filling the resignation letter and printing it out to keep, just in case. It's been waiting safely in the first drawer of the desk and his eyes are always drawn to it, his mind going back to all the things he could've done by now if he hadn't been forced to choose this particular field of education. Junmyeon has always wanted something more than a long-winded, nine to five job and giving in to the routine it'd eventually bring. He sits on the bench outside the university and closes his eyes, raising his chin up to catch more of the weak sun trying to peek through the thick layer of clouds. The air is heavy and it's quite obvious there's going to be a storm in the evening, but Junmyeon decides to enjoy the weather as it is to appease his racing heart. Even if he suddenly changes his mind and decides it's better for him to continue his studies, it's too late to back down and carry on living his life the way he used to, not only because he's just dropped out of university. The hair styling course he's enrolled in starts in a few days and, despite the fact that it isn't long enough to make him anywhere close to a professional hairstylist, he's glad he decided to take up something that requires creativity and constant improvement of one's skills. He's saved up enough money to live off it for more or less a year, knowing he won't be able to rely on his parents and ask for any kind of help, especially financial one, once they've found out what he's done. It is not a crime, wanting to follow one's dreams and changing the direction one's life is going in, but for his family it might as well be. Junmyeon is well aware of the consequences he's going to face, but he's ready to do so and endure whatever it takes for him to be truly happy. It isn't until a week later when his mother calls to check up on him and his progress, only to find out about her son's outrageous and inexcusable decision. She only asks him whether he's joking and when she's given a negative answer, she hisses to him to come home and immediately hangs up. Junmyeon's stomach is filled in with acid by the time he gets to his parents' house, huge lump forming in his throat and making it difficult to swallow. As much as he is telling himself that he is prepared for the tantrum his parents are going to throw, he knows his predictions probably don't live up to the reality even in the slightest. "What were you even thinking, Junmyeon?" his mother greets him and he can feel the evident disgust in her voice, but it's not like he's expected a warm welcome. "You're going to go to the dean's office tomorrow, apologize for causing trouble and ask for an annulment of your resignation letter." "I'm not going to cancel anything," Junmyeon says firmly, his voice almost wavering but he barely manages to keep it steady. "I've made my decision and it's not going to change. Where's dad?" "At work," she says. She's leaning against the kitchen counter, her long hair tied up in a loose ponytail, sharp eyes focused on Junmyeon. She is tired, Junmyeon can tell by the way her face seems to have lost color, dark eyebags prominent underneath her eyes. "You aren't here to argue with me, but to listen what I have to say. You will withdraw this letter. I can't see another option if you want to stay on good terms with us." "I think it'll be approved soon," Junmyeon's answer makes her eyes twitch, but she's oddly calm as they talk. It definitely isn't what Junmyeon expected after their phone call. "I found what I want to do and I saved up some money, so..." "I will ask your father to take care of this," she cuts him off as if she wasn't paying attention to Junmyeon's words at all. She's not looking at him anymore, instead staring blankly out of the window. "You're not thinking straight, Junmyeon. But I can understand that you're young and sometimes you will make mistakes, though this one is unacceptable and I hope you're aware of that." "Are you even listening to me?" Junmyeon clenches his fists, nails digging deep into his palms. The pain is easy to ignore and he unconsciously finds it helpful to keep his emotions in check, attempting to stay as calm and composed as he can. "I already said I'm not going to do what you say." "Is it really what you want?" she hisses out, her arms crossed on her chest as her voice seems to cut the thick, heavy atmosphere in half. "To waste all the money, effort and time we devoted to bring you up to the best to our ability? Does it mean nothing to you? Do you think you can just push it away? Do you even realize how many people would want to be in your place?" "I don't care about other people because they aren't the ones living my life, are they?" he asks quietly, his gaze fixed on the wall in front of him. There are a few, small paintings of seasons changing hung vertically on it, but he's seen them enough times to memorize each detail, failing at finding a distraction. "Why does it matter so much to you? I'm an adult and I can make decisions, no matter if it's about the clothes I'm going to wear or the path I'm going to take." "If that's what you think, you might as well leave now," she says calmly, but the tone of her voice is so cold it settles an uneasy feeling in Junmyeon's heart. "But I suggest you think about it again, because there is no coming back." Even hours after he left the house, his mother's empty gaze is stuck to his back , just like it was when she was bidding him farewell. He can hear her words ringing in his ears, each brain cell taking them in and processing on its own. He spent the evening aimlessly wandering around the city, not feeling like coming to his apartment nor meeting anyone, people paying attention to him being the last thing he wanted. Joohyun won't pick up once she sees who the caller is; same with Baekhyun. Junmyeon doesn't even take getting through to him into account - they might chat from time to time when passing by each other on the campus, but he hasn't even texted Junmyeon for the past week to ask for the reason of his oddly long absence. People forget about him easily, because what is really there to pay attention to? That’s all there is to him, always the best grades, boring clothes hiding the tattoos no one knows of perfectly, not even a single class missed. He broods over his relationship with people over a drink, obnoxiously colorful and sweet, sitting at the bar in one of the districts that is well-known for its active night-life and thriving scene of not exactly legal business. Most students attending his university consider the area their favorite, frequenting it every weekend, but Junmyeon has never been there at night before. It's not like he's ever been asked to tag along, because everyone knew he'd turn the invitation down. Even in high school his classmates thought of him as the most boring person they'd have a chance to meet and the tag has permanently stuck to him, but he knows it's mostly his fault since he's done basically nothing to get rid of it. Behavior of a drunk person is usually unpredictable, alcohol messing their senses up and replacing them with a false perception of reality. Nothing is clear and everything is blurred in front of their eyes, shapes distorted and difficult to distinguish from one another. Same thing happens to all the emotions the person feels, some of them released once there's no such thing as a lucid mind that could prevent from coming out. Anger burns in Junmyeon's veins and it feels as if his blood is boiling. Only in such state does the realization hit him strong enough; he's wasted so much time trying to fit in the place designed for him by his parents and, eventually, everyone else. All this time he's been too afraid to speak up and say what he's kept inside for years, but there's nothing to lose now, is there? His parents turned their backs on him, his university career is almost over and it's a matter of a few days when he will finally be able to truly start living. "Are you sure you want to do that, kid?" a man laughs, chewing the gum loudly as he takes the tattoo machine out of the drawer. His arms are covered with tattoos, starting from his wrists and disappearing beneath a white t-shirt. His whole presence is intimidating in general, face never free from a irreverent smirk. "Get it on your back instead, no one's gonna see if you get it on your thigh." "Just do it as I say," Junmyeon slurs. His head feels heavy, but it isn't his priority at the moment to keep it upright as he puts all the effort into not to letting his eyes close, hands clutching the edges of the lounge. He found a small, shabby tattoo studio advertised by a half lit, red neon sign while he was going down the street from the bar and getting lost in one of the narrow passageways forking to the right. It isn't possible for him to control actions in such state, which is means not being able to resist the sudden urge of finding solace in the only way he knows will work. He supposes he has his credit card somewhere, probably safe in his wallet which he usually keeps in the back pocket of his jeans; if he hasn't lost it yet or been robbed, that is. It's one of the things to think about later, along with the consequences of getting a tattoo when he's drunk and knowing he shouldn’t, though neither Junmyeon nor the tattooist seem to care. Junmyeon is too drunk to take note of the moment he falls asleep, his body in a state close to lifelessness in some shady guy's hands who might not even be a qualified tattooist and has a fairly cruel way of waking his customers up. Being shaken up while drunk makes Junmyeon's head throb in even more painfully, but there's already a gauze on his thigh and he has no other choice than to pay and leave, the man ushering him to the door. No matter how much he thinks about it in the morning, he doesn't know how he made it to his apartment in one piece and managed to protect his wallet from being stolen. However, one thing that he is sure of, much to his dismay, is the fact of having a big "fuck university" tattooed into his thigh in a gothic font. >>> "You didn't have to pick me up," Jongin says, black sports bag slung over his shoulder. He's smiling and he seems to be in a good mood today, despite the eyebags and a few small pimples on his cheek, right next to his ear. "Did you take a day off?" "I did," Junmyeon shrugs. Yixing's been teasing him about his relationship with Jongin for the past few days and the fact that they've gotten close has only made him more difficult to bear. "But picking you up from work isn't the only reason. I didn't talk to you for an hour yesterday for nothing." "Oh yeah?" Jongin replies in a slightly mocking manner, something Junmyeon has already gotten used to. It's only natural for him to take notice of Jongin's habits and adjust to them, given the amount of time they spend together. "I had to switch shifts with Sehun. He's a brat, you know? He said I owe him big time because he'd had to call off a date with his girlfriend and he's sacrificing his love life. What a joke." "Well, he saved yours through his sacrifice," Junmyeon chuckles carelessly, not realizing what he's just implied. He doesn't know whether it's safe to say this, but he's learnt that everything with Jongin is worth a shot. It's not like they're talking seriously right now, so Jongin might as well take it as a joke. Junmyeon kind of hopes he won't. "So that's why you picked me up from work today?" Jongin smirks. It's the same attitude he had when they met for the first time and it isn't as impressive as it was back then. "Is it a date?" "Consider it whatever you're up for," Junmyeon replies, desperate to change the topic so as to not let Jongin see he's flustered. He's probably noticed it by now, but this time Junmyeon is choosing to fool himself. "Actually, I want to show you something." "What is it?" Jongin asks. "Tell me. I'm all ears." "You'll know once we've got there, I promise." They've opted out of getting around the city in a crowded bus and chosen to go on foot instead, Jongin following Junmyeon and refraining from asking questions about their destination. It's pleasantly warm today, though Junmyeon regrets not having taken his sunglasses with him as the sun rays hit his eyes and force him to squint. Jongin would laugh at him if he wasn't going through the same thing, both of them being victims of their own forgetfulness. He's been thinking about getting a new tattoo already for a while; Minseok's nagging has also become more intense and, as a result, harder to ignore. Junmyeon has almost ran out of excuses as to why it's been so long since he last visited the studio and Jongin might or might not be the factor that's finally forced him to make up his mind. He set everything up with Minseok a few days earlier and usually he would start to feel the thrill the day of the appointment, but this time he's been on edge ever since the idea popped up in his mind. "So this is the place you wanted to take me to," Jongin says, carefully reading the sign. "A tattoo studio." "Yes," Junmyeon nods. He steals a glance on Jongin and sees his slightly furrowed eyebrows, bottom lip caught between his teeth. "I'm getting a new one today and I thought..." "We should go in," Jongin cuts him off. Before Junmyeon has the chance to speak, he lets himself in and closes the door behind Junmyeon once he's inside. Junmyeon feels his insides slowly tying into knots, even though he supposes he shouldn't feel this nervous. Jongin isn't going to turn him down, right? "Long time no see," Minseok greets them with a smile, bright and lively, despite his face saying otherwise and giving the tiredness away. "You really brought Jongin with you." "Where's Jongdae?" Junmyeon asks quickly so as to cover the wince caused by Minseok's question. He definitely doesn't feel like dying of embarrassment now, not when the thing he's been stressing himself over is yet to happen and Jongin is the one who plays a significant role in it. "I haven't seen him around." "Of course you haven't," Minseok clicks his tongue in fake disapproval. "You rarely even visit us anymore. Jongdae took a few days off, so I'm here alone. What are you getting today?" "Well," Junmyeon fiddles with his fingers and wets his lips; Jongin related things and Jongin himself make him too nervous to his liking, despite the fact he thought he'd gotten used to the way his brain works when Jongin's around. Or rather, gives its best to function, but seldom succeeds, as it seems that the reality is nothing like Junmyeon wants it to be. "I want Jongin to choose my new tattoo for me." "What?" Jongin sputters, face painted with confusion and eyes moving from Minseok to Junmyeon, searching for answers. His efforts fall through, because Minseok is as taken aback as he is, if not more. "Why are you saying this to me now? It's your body, so you decide." "I thought you wouldn't come with me if I told you," Junmyeon sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, dry and at least two inches too long. It's harder to face Jongin than he imagined it to be, but it's too late now and backing off is rather impossible. "You can always refuse." "But you don't want me to say no, do you?" Jongin points out and looks Junmyeon in the eye, no longer showing any visible traces of confusion, as if he's managed to figure everything out in a few seconds. Maybe he shouldn't let Jongin decide, because a sudden spark in his eye makes Junmyeon a bit intimidated. "Let's go. Minseok wouldn't want to wait any longer and waste a whole day for us." Minseok joins them a moment later and even if he notices the tension between Jongin and Junmyeon, he doesn't make any remarks and leads them further into the studio. Even though getting a tattoo isn't a new experience to Junmyeon and he knows all the routines like the back of his hand, Jongin makes it feel like the first time and brings back all the nervousness and excitement Junmyeon went through a few years ago, though they're oddly nothing like he remembers them to be. "So what have you opted for?" Minseok directs his question to Jongin, but Junmyeon catches a worried glance he gives to him before laying his gaze on Jongin's face. "If it isn't a secret." "It is," Jongin agrees. "At least for Junmyeon. He should find out once the tattoo is done, don't you think?" "If he has nothing against it," Minseok replies. Junmyeon only nods his head in a silent agreement and tries not to bite on his lip too much, simply because he'd rather they didn't realize how much of a bundle of nerves he is. "It's settled. Now tell me where you want the tattoo." "The back of his neck should be okay." Jongin doesn't bother to leave a room for Junmyeon to voice out his thoughts and makes decisions for him, speaking with a familiar confidence as though he's known about the idea for a long time. Junmyeon has never let anyone decide for him since he dropped out of university and truly started to live on his own, so the feeling is quite strange, but he hasn't thought of it as Jongin taking a lead until now. Junmyeon tells himself to loosen up and relax because he knows what's going to happen next, and that he shouldn't be afraid of the pain nor the tattoo design because Minseok is one of the people he trusts the most and he's certain he wouldn't give in to Jongin if he came up with something weird and embarrassing. He feels Minseok drawing the outlines on his nape but he gives up an idea of guessing what it could be, knowing he'd fail straight on. Instead he decides to close his eyes and ignore Jongin's stare that might as well burn holes in his body; he doesn't even need to look at Jongin to know he's following Minseok's hand closely, taking notice of each move he makes. He knows it's time when he hears the familiar buzz and takes a deep breath just when the tattoo machine makes contact with his skin. It's always the same, but at the same time each tattoo is a completely different and new experience as it never holds the same meaning and reason. That's what makes the whole thing unique and impossible to repeat. Junmyeon will never feel this way again, the thrill of not knowing what the trace of Jongin's existence in his life is going to look like. It's a little reckless to let someone he doesn't know well decide on such important thing in his life, because tattoos have always been his getaway from the world and a cure to every single disappointment he's faced, though Jongin has undoubtedly managed to turn his life upside down and it's only right to honor it. Minseok puts the tattoo machine away sooner than Junmyeon expected and then he realizes his new tattoo is done; he's eager to find out what it is, touch the burning skin and feel its warmth, because all of this still seems a bit surreal. His friend tells him to wait as soon as he notices Junmyeon's hand moving and Jongin lets out a chuckle, his gaze never leaving Junmyeon's figure. He stands up and goes to the mirror to see what's Jongin chosen for him and, after Minseok gives him a small hand mirror, he's finally able to solve the mystery. What he sees on his nape is a figure of a ballerina doing a pirouette and he falls in love with her in the blink of an eye. "Do you like it?" Jongin asks, though he probably knows he doesn't even have to doubt his choice. Junmyeon's face gives it all away. "I love it," is what Junmyeon manages to utter, mesmerized by the way the tattoo looks on the back of his neck and contrasts with a pale, smooth skin. "Thank you. You too, Minseok." "You know it's nothing," Minseok shrugs. "All I need from you are more frequent visits." They leave the studio soon after Junmyeon has paid to Minseok and promised to drop by at least once a week, so that they wouldn't get behind on each other's lives again. Jongin has been silent all along and although Junmyeon has had his mind occupied with other things, the fact becomes clear to him once they're outside, walking down the street and not knowing where they're headed. "You couldn't have chosen a better tattoo for me," Junmyeon says and his fingers itch with a need to touch the tattoo and showcase it for everyone to see how beautiful it is. "Thanks once again." "You're glad and it's all that matters to me," Jongin admits, still deep in thought. He seems out of it, but Junmyeon doesn't know whether it's right to ask about the reason. "I should be going." "Actually, I..." he pauses, though he already has Jongin's attention only for himself. "Come over. You've never been to my place before." "I thought you'd get more outright with me as the time passes, but I guess you like beating around the bush way too much," Jongin smirks. Junmyeon can only groan at his words when he realizes what Jongin has just implied and then he shoves him, making both of them laugh. "Lead the way." They quickly manage to entertain themselves with small talk from time to time, though they mostly opt for silence and getting lost in their own thoughts. It's getting dark, the night slowly approaching the city and taking over the clear, cloudless sky. Maybe Jongin was right in saying Junmyeon still hasn't learnt how to get himself across directly, though the thought of fucking with Jongin didn't even cross his mind when he was talking with him. Junmyeon doesn't know how much time passed since they met for the first time and he had Jongin blow him, because he's lost track of days somewhere between waiting for Jongin to come to the salon and eventually striking up a friendship with him. He can't say he hasn't thought about taking things a step further, but he hasn't quite figured his feelings out and what he really wants for them to have. No one has ever made him feel the way Jongin does, odd excitement that accompanies their every meeting and, a thing Junmyeon still has to get his head around, willingness to utterly disclose himself. Not even Yixing got to know the story that hides behind each of Junmyeon's tattoos and they've known each other for so long it seems as though they keep no secrets from each other. It's so easy to confide in Jongin and slowly show him all the pieces of himself, one by one, Jongin doing the same in return. They take the stairs and slowly climb up to the third floor. Junmyeon plays with the key to his apartment and looks at Jongin every now and then until they reach the door and eventually get in, not having exchanged a single word on their way. He turns the lights on, slips off his shoes and then places them next to Jongin's worn out sneakers. It's a bit chilly in the living room for he's left the windows open, but it helps him to calm down. Jongin's words have made him jittery and he can't help but wonder how are they going to end up this evening, because nothing is impossible with someone as blunt as Jongin and Junmyeon has learnt not to expect any limits. "I thought your place would be clean and boring," Jongin says from the couch as he looks around the living room, arms crossed on his chest. "Is your life this messy as well?" "Not anymore," Junmyeon chuckles. Fragments of various, old memories flash in front of his eyes, but they aren't significant enough to stay in his mind and quickly disappear after that. "What do you want to drink? I'm out of tea, but I doubt you'd opt for that anyway." "I don't want anything," Jongin replies and turns his head so as to face Junmyeon and look him in the eye. "Just you." Junmyeon chooses to think Jongin is joking and the way he stares at him has nothing to do with an uncomfortable wave of warmth that suddenly hits him and makes his cheeks a bit flushed. He clenches his teeth and leaves Jongin's words without any response as they hang between them; each second seems to drag as though it wasn't only a tiny part of an hour, but a whole hour itself. It deprives Junmyeon of all the confidence he has, even though he knows he can't stay silent any longer. "Stop fucking with me," Junmyeon sighs. The last thing he wants is to get his hopes up and then be left with nothing but a growing desire. "I'm not up for playing games with you." "We didn't meet yesterday, Junmyeon. I've always been honest with you, so why are you backing off now?" Jongin asks and stands up, slowly approaching Junmyeon. Each step he takes makes Junmyeon's heart beat faster and faster, as if it wanted to get out of his chest. "Come on. I haven't gotten laid since we met at the bar that night." "No one has forced you to keep your dick in your pants," Junmyeon knows he's already lost against Jongin and he's making desperate attempts to prevent himself from giving in, but he's always found Jongin difficult to resist and this time it isn't going to be any different. "Please." "You can always throw me out if you don't like it," Jongin has gotten ominously close to him and Junmyeon can feel his warm breath on his face. "But I doubt it'll be the case." Just when Junmyeon is about to ask what Jongin means, he's caught by surprise as Jongin's lips suddenly press against his own and he's almost forced to respond to the kiss. His eyes are wide open and so are Jongin's, their gazes locked as though they were trying to challenge each other. Jongin has never been patient with him, so Junmyeon definitely doesn't expect any form of gentleness nor hesitancy as Jongin's fingers get tangled in his hair and slightly pull on it, careful so as not to accidentally touch the fresh tattoo on his nape despite the bandage. Junmyeon puts his hands on Jongin's chest and just one push would be enough to separate them, but Jongin stops his attempts of breaking free and deepens the kiss, his tongue now investigating Junmyeon's mouth for the second time. It's been obvious all along that they wouldn't be able to stay friends for the rest of their lives, a memory of their first encounter coming back to them every once in a while. Things between them escalate quickly, both Jongin and Junmyeon almost desperately exploring each other's bodies and craving for more, because it turns out they can't get enough of each other only through kisses and constant touch. Junmyeon's doubts never really stop coming and this time he too finds it impossible not to question whether having sex with Jongin is a right choice, no matter how much Junmyeon needs it and craves for Jongin's body to be as close to his as possible. On the other hand, does he have anything to lose anymore? He let Jongin discover his way of dealing with the reality, let him see his weaknesses and rarely made reasonable decisions when it came to the man. He might as well go all the way tonight and utterly open up to him, show him the sides of his personality not even Joohyun nor Yixing had a chance to see. And open up he does, leaving behind irrelevant, unnecessary thoughts. >>> Jongin slowly traces his pointing finger up and down Junmyeon's spine, nail occasionally scratching the skin. He's looking at Junmyeon with a small smile on his face, something Junmyeon has never gotten to see before; no rush, no sharp movements caused by impatience. It's unlikely for Jongin to act this calmly, but their sex has been rough enough to drain the energy out of them and Junmyeon can say it was one of the best things he's ever experienced. He pushes aside the thoughts of the pain which is going to accompany him for the next few days and focuses on Jongin, his gaze never leaving the latter's face. It's even more beautiful under a weak light of his bedside lamp, casting shadows on his cheeks and nose and it making them even sharper. Jongin lets out a short yawn from time to time and it brings Junmyeon to yawn as well, but neither of them wants to go to sleep just now. There's still too much to talk about yet all they've been doing after sex is staring at each other and making tentative gestures so as to feel each other's presence all the time. "I finally got to see all your tattoos," is the first thing Jongin says after a while and his chuckle makes it obvious which one has come to his mind. "I like the one on your thigh the best, but why haven't you gotten rid of it yet?" "I knew you'd bring this up," Junmyeon groans and buries his face in the pillow, trying to ignore Jongin's laugh. "Just because. I got it the night I confronted my mom and said I'd dropped out of university. I was drunk as fuck, so don't judge my choice of the design." "Well, it undoubtedly makes you intimidating. You're such a rebel," Jongin doesn't give up and proceeds to further teasing, leaving no room for Junmyeon to defend himself. "What's the story behind the other ones? I figured each one has its own reason as to why you decided to get it." "Not really. Sometimes I just can't resist the urge to pay Minseok's salon a visit and I opt for whatever I like, for example the butterfly on the right side of my ribcage," Junmyeon explains. "I got the black rose when I was still a student. I took my time to get over one of my girlfriends and I think I loved her the most out of all the girls I dated, but she cheated on me, you know? I don't even remember who she chose over me, but the tattoo helped me to move on and forget about her." It doesn't hurt anymore to talk about those parts of Junmyeon's past that made him get all his tattoos; instead it feels as if he was once again getting rid of a weight in his chest, sharing his experiences with Jongin without missing a single detail. He talks about everything he had to go through in order to start living the way he'd always wanted to and struggling to live up to his parents' expectations. He reminds himself of each time he'd thought about giving up but decided to carry on, no matter how difficult it seemed to face the reality and make each day matter. Not once does Jongin interrupt his flow of words and Junmyeon is grateful for that as he knows he's just like an open book. Not only did he let Jongin find out about the content of each chapter and helped to put all the pieces together, but also asked him to write one of the chapters himself. The cover is no longer just a piece of art impossible to understand without knowing its meaning; it's only relevant when one is aware of the story behind it so as to make it worth anything and, for Junmyeon, Jongin is the one who truly made him complete. MOD NOTE: You've reached the end of the fic! Thank you for reading. If you'd like to leave a comment, please do so in THIS Livejournal post!

Comments

[charliebnim]

This was so wonderful tbh >^< snif snif